Some shite for yez
SOD - Derby 2.0
Absinthe makes the heart go yonder
"True meaning of Derby" in LEO's Derby issue. (I also contributed to the 1875 fake LEO cover, but I don't think it's online.)
What a Week, April 30
+ 3
Kentucky made news in a national ranking that didn't involve obesity, smoking or basketball! In a study by the US Department of Health and Human Services, Kentucky scored among the lowest in the nation in drivers impaired by alcohol or drugs. Those hopheads in Wisconsin scored highest and those abstemious Utahans scored lowest. It's Derby week, people. Don't screw the pooch.
- 4
Just when you thought the George Bush/Mitch McConnell war economy couldn't get worse, news came of a worldwide food crisis. With some countries facing riots, local stores here saw intermittent shortages of rice and other grains, mostly due to hoarding in anticipation of higher future prices. But we have our priorities and everything's going to be swell: the legislature approved the 21,000-seat expansion of Papa J's Cardinal Stadium.
+5
A federal grant will fund a new program to help first- or second-time youth offenders avoid a life of crime. The $209,000 grant from the Project Safe Neighborhood Anti-Gang Initiative will fund the West Chestnut Street CHARACTERS program to help kids avoid making bad choices, and represents a baby step in getting away from our prison culture.
+8
Ford Motor Company promised Louisville it will replace the Explorer with a vehicle that won't totally suck ass. Rededicating its commitment to Louisville's auto workers, Ford pledged to convert the Fern Valley Road Assembly Plant into a flexible plant that can produce multiple models. Meanwhile, Metro revealed a new study identifying "retail gaps", which would help us do what we do best better: shop. [Spoiler alert: the east end is pretty much covered.] But hell, it's Derby Week, when even ugly people and IT staff can get laid, so the World-Class-Odometer has to be high, right? Right.
World-classness
12
What a Week, April 16
+5
Mayor Abramson opened the first 23-mile section of the Louisville Loop, giving townsfolk another way to get back to nature. The paved walking/biking route runs from the waterfront downtown west through Portland and Shawnee to the Farnsley-Moremen Landing and includes gorgeous canopied woods, wetlands, and a river view. The 100-mile Loop will eventually encircle the entire city.
-5
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 in favor of Kentucky's method of lethal injection, paving the way for states to resume killing people for killing people. The majority opinion ruled that Kentucky's three-drug cocktail does not constitute cruel and unusual punishment, even though similar injections in Florida and Ohio recently went awry and it's been outlawed for use on dogs. Despite the ruling, no Kentucky prisoners face imminent execution. Texas officials, however, exclaimed, "Yee-haw!"
+2
Americans idle. And that's a problem that could lead to the death of all living things and – even worse – wastes gas. So the Louisville Metro Air Pollution Control District is considering citywide restrictions on automotive idling to cut pollution, which could impact everyone from truck drivers and cops to soccer dads in the carpool line. But why wait for The Man to clamp down when you can turn your car off now?
+5.2
A 5.2 earthquake jiggled Louisville, making your Cheerios taste a little better and your job seem a little sexier and your coffee taste a little frothier and God seem somewhat plausible. At least until that 1 p.m. staff meeting sucked the joy back out of your soul, but still, not bad.
World-classness
+ 7.2
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Recent morsels
Mary Welp's Crab and Mushroom Soup
Mary reviews Life Class by Pat Barker and My Brilliant Career by Miles Franklin.
Spring Bellarmine Magazine (PDF)
Summary of My Discontent
A Cry for Secession
What a Week, 4/16
-20
Fallout from the new state budget began settling on the Kentucky dystopia like a Harry Moberly White-Castle fart in a crowded movie theater. Public universities announced 9% tuition increases, the Cabinet for Health and Family Services went begging for donations and 54 public defenders got pink slips. Mental-health agency Seven Counties Services will close its southeast Louisville office, which serves 1500 people. School districts decried cuts to school safety and teacher professional development, announced increased class sizes, and warned of layoffs.
-4
Coal, that stuff that makes it possible for Gnarls Barkley to rock your iPod, took the lives of 47 miners in 2006, prompting Congress to demand more stringent safety measures. Big Coal, that stuff that makes it possible for Republicans to get elected, has naturally resisted. Two years later, many coal mines still lack a way to bring air and wireless communications to underground miners, prompting California congressmen George Miller to lash out at Elaine Chao’s Mine Safety and Health Administration, which is clearly mailing it in.
-8
Bypassing "Pope of Pollution," “Greaseball of Global Warming,” and other colorful Italian-slur-themed nicknames, The Leage of Conservation Voters chose "Don of the Dirty Dozen" to refer to Mitch McConnell in a campaign to expose the senator's horrendous environmental record. His lifetime achievement score of7% is the lowest in Congress and he won a special citation for consistently voting with Big Oil.
+5
If you’re one of thousands of Jefferson County homeowners facing foreclosure, here’s some good news: this newspaper is free! But wait, there’s more: Last week, the feds awarded an extra $1 million to The Housing Partnership to hire counselors to help people avoid the repo man. To contact a counselor, call the city’s mortgage hotline 211.
What a Week, 4/9
-10
Stupid schtupped ugly in Frankfort, resulting in a bouncy biennial budget that is both stupid and ugly. A brave citizenry clenched its collective sphincter and fretted over basketball without wondering breathlessly: Would the Senate approve the House's stingy budget or would the House settle for the Senate's even stingier budget? 10 negative points if you said the latter. Bypassing a no-brainer (and no-lung-er) cigarette tax, the Senate won and so now Kentucky will struggle with deep budget cuts in all the usual programs that fight poverty, illness, and ignorance.
-5
In a grubby side deal, oily David Williams and slimy Greg Stumbo lubed up and rolled around together before agreeing to rural construction projects at the expense of the state's deepest needs. Recognizing that, as bad as things are, they could always be worse, Governor Beshear threatened a special session if the Bush/McConnell war economy continues to tank.
0
Here's what passes for progressive politics in ol' Kaintuck: On April 1, a law went into effect mandating that cigarettes sold in Kentucky must be "fire safe," meaning they must contain a special paper that makes the cigarette go out if you don't toke like mad.
+7
Sure, Thunder's awesome, but if you're tired of curling into the fetal position and urinating on yourself when Mother America's death planes uncloak and soar into the waterfront terrordome, why not consider an alternative? The Silence Over Thunder Coalition is again sponsoring its "Peaceful Skies" picnic at the Americana Center soccer field on Saturday. The picnic features art, music, and kite flying, in an atmosphere free of weapons of mass destruction.
World-classness:
-8
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
What a Week, 4/2
-8
Q: Why is the Kentucky General Assembly like playing mumbelty peg with Helen Keller? A: Because it feels so good when it stops. The current session ends this week, with lawmakers taking a break until mid-April when they return for the ceremonial toe-stabbing of the governor. With the current session winding down, the havoc-wreaking reached a fever pitch last week. The pro-cancer Senate refused to raise the cigarette tax, meaning Kentucky faces deep cuts in education and social services, and might require layoffs of state workers. A final 2008-2010 budget is expected this week and barring any last-minute compassion from the Senate, it’s going to be ugly.
+5
Q: What do blind squirrels have in common with the General Assembly? A: Both prove that if you grope around in the dark long enough you’ll eventually find your nuts. The legislature momentarily located theirs and moved ahead with bills that would reform lending, require child booster seats, fight homelessness among former prisoners, and impose stricter penalties on sexual predators.
-6
Q: What do blind jokes and Senators David Williams and Dan Kelly have in common? A: Both are highly offensive and won’t go away. Williams and Kelly lead a Senate hell-bent on keeping Louisville from having anything shiny. The Senate steadfastly refused to raise any taxes, killed any hopes for casinos, and let a “mega-project” proposal die, making tolls an unlikely source of revenue for bridges, at least for the nonce. The party poopers also killed a measure that would have brought regulation to predatory “payday” lenders. With friends like them, this town’s going to need an enema.
What a Week, 3/26
+4
A House committee killed Senate Bill 112, which would have “protected” straight-on-straight marriage by prohibiting universities and public agencies from providing health insurance for employees’ domestic partners. In killing the bill, Representative David Watkins put the verbal smackdown on knuckle-dragging sponsor Vernie McGaha and Family Foundation Neanderthal David Edmunds for wasting the state’s time on nonsense instead of focusing on true problems facing Kentucky families.
-2
The commission tasked with modernizing Louisville’s library system said it will likely focus on three Wal-Marty jumbo libraries instead of smaller, groovy neighborhood libraries. The as-yet-unapproved plan calls for regional libraries in Okolona, Valley Station and Hurstbourne, and will cost the city $80 million it doesn’t have, plus $20 million in private donations it hasn’t raised.
+1
Kentucky politics and ethics (which go together like M&Ms and Spicy V8) took center stage last week when the Senate expanded House Bill 250 to make it a felony for a legislator to vote on an issue that relates to his or her employer. The provision, a thinly veiled jab by Republican David Williams at Democratic Rep. Harry Moberly (a muckety-muck at Eastern Kentucky University), set off an entertaining pissing contest between Moberly and Williams that lasted the rest of the week. The rule presumably won’t be much of an issue once everyone is unemployed.
-8
And speaking of unemployment, the economy keeps on kickin’ like it’s ’99… 1899, that is. Last week, Ford said it would lay off up to 10,000 employees - including 800 in Louisville - and banking giant Bear Stearns collapsed. Yum! CEO! David Novak!’s arse! was a bit more gilded: The company gave Novak a wee raise to $15.5 million in salary and stock.
World-classness
-5
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Booksmart
Check out my brilliant sister's book reviews:
"Against the Machine: Being Human in the Age of the Electronic Mob" by Lee Seigel and "People of the Book" by Geraldine Brooks, here.
"The Good Soldier" by Ford Maddox Ford, here.
"Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You by Peter Cameron" and "Before I Die" by Jenny Downham, here.
What a Week, 3/19
+8
The House approved its version of the budget, restoring many of the cuts Governor Beshear proposed. The new-math House version restores funding to universities, gives state workers and teachers a raise, includes funding for road construction, and avoids the most painful cuts in social services. The plan includes a 25-cent cigarette tax and a 6% sales tax on some services, whereas the Guv wants a 70-cent cigarette tax and deeper cuts. The discrepancy set off a polite debate between Beshear and Representative Harry Moberly about which leader was most disingenuous jagoff.
-5
If higher cigarette taxes make it easier for you to breathe, don’t get your hopes up. At the urging of Polluter-in-Chief George W. Bush, the EPA rejected its own scientists and set a pro-business, 75-parts-per-billion standard for ozone, which is a perpetual throat-tickler in Louisville.
+2
Judge John Heyburn rejected Louisville attorney Ted Gordon’s challenge to the Jefferson County Public Schools’ interim desegregation plan. Gordon, diversity’s hemorrhoid, claimed the plan uses a racial quota system and is therefore unconstitutional. The interim school-assignment plan will use geography to assign students, but doesn’t take into consideration any individual student’s race. Heyburn told Gordon to find a plaintiff and file a lawsuit if he wants to challenge the new plan, whereupon Gordon dashed off in pursuit of a passing ambulance.
-3
In economic news, oil prices continued to soar, gas rose to nearly $3.50 per gallon, and your mom threw away all your old baseball cards. Also, your Civic is fixin’ to blow a head gasket. With gold at $1000, it might be time to hock that wedding ring.
World-classness:
+2
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
What a Week, 3/12
+ 5
Governor Steve Beshear finally looked in a mirror, discovered he's not Ernie Fletcher and started making some sense. The Guv came out in support of Kentucky education reform, a 70-cent cigarette tax, and voting rights for reformed felons. Momentarily reFletcherizing, he strongly hinted the that casino gambling is dead in the water. In other butt news, a new survey (at www.kyyouth.org) shows one in four pregnant women in Kentucky smoke. Possibly coming to the rescue is California Rep Henry Waxman, whose 20-year effort to bring cigs under FDA control is gaining momentum.
- 4
The Kentucky House passed a bill to give tax breaks for installing renewable energy systems in homes or businesses; Meanwhile, a desperately needed "stream saver" bill actually got a hearing, thanks to a wild parliamentary "camel ride." Rep Harry Moberly attached the surface-mining measure to a bogus bill giving "tax breaks to camels" (as opposed to Camel Lights), just to force a discussion. In the end, the coal creeps won as usual, but at least somebody's fighting for Kentucky waterways. Putting a damper on those good environmental efforts was this bummer: Kentucky's environmental agencies face 20% cuts in the proposed budget.
+ 2
Taking a cue from the downsizing experts at Ford, Kentucky is offering state workers retirement buyouts. 5400 state workers are eligible for enhanced benefits if they retire by January 1. The state would save $180 million by not replacing them or hiring cheaper help. Meanwhile, the House Budget Committee approved a bill that authorizes the use of tolls to finance "megaprojects," which is code for "bridges," put presumably could also finance a soul transplant for Representative Jim Gooch.
World-classness:
+ 3
What a Week, 3/5
+5
Because of a "competitive religious marketplace," nearly half of Americans have switched religions, according to a study by the Pew Forum. But the fastest growing "religion" is no religion - fully 16% of us (a record number for America) abstain. Protestantism, which could soon become a minority religion for the first time in American history, still comprises 66% of the population in Kentucky. God could not be reached for comment.
+ 1
Senate Republicans (whose likeness you'll find if you look up "bully" in the dictionary) defeated a proposed bill aimed at combating bullying in Kentucky schools. In brighter news, the House approved the governor's pension-bailout bill and a bill to toughen penalties for sexual abusers. Both measures passed 96-0.
-10
Where Kentucky is going to put those sex pervs is another matter. A Pew Center study revealed that Kentucky, at 12%, led the nation in prisoner growth last year. If you're reading this on the outside, pat yourself on the back. The U.S. leads the world in both number and percentage of incarcerated citizens. One in 100 adults (2.3 million), including one in 15 black men in America are in prison at a cost of $55 billion.
+ 7
Nowhere is planning more important than in parenthood, a point that Planned Parenthood Federation of America president Cecile Richards made in Louisville last week. Richards was in town to commemorate Kentucky's Bluegrass and Louisville chapters' well planned urge to merge, which recently gave birth to Planned Parenthood of Kentucky. The new organization will reach out to women and men in rural and Hispanic communities. Learn more at plannedparenthood.org/kentucky.
World-classness
+ 3
What a Week, 2/27
- 10
Kentucky House lawmakers recommended building nine casinos, a compromise between Governor Beshear's 12-casino proposal and the Senate's recommendation that we fear gays. Senate Republicans meanwhile declared war on education with Senate Bill 1, which would eliminate Kentucky's nationally renowned CATS testing system. Hillbillies David Williams and Dan Kelly want to retain reading and 'rithmatic, but remove 'riting, science, arts and humanities from school accountability. Beshear's deafening silence had some wondering if there's a "We'll-support-casinos-if-we-can-kill-CATS" deal afoot.
+ 5
Über-capitalists David and Dan Jones backed off a controversial plan for 21st Century Parks to take control of 700 acres of public parkland. The plan would have protected the parkland "forever" with no requirement for open meetings. The compromise allows the city to control the parks while preserving the parkland, thanks to a political procedure known as "making this stuff up as we go."
- 7
Home of the Innocents and similar children's agencies are facing more financial cuts, this time from the feds. Unless Congress acts, state agencies that care for abused, neglected and delinquent children face Medicaid cuts of $94 million, or roughly 1.5 times what America spent last week to shoot down one of its own spy satellites.
+ 8
But it's not all vinegar and redneckery in The 502. Thanks to grassroots kick-asstivism, Rubbertown clocked 84% lower emissions of cancer-causing 1,3-butadiene than in 2003. And the governor proposed a partial solution to the state's $26.6 billion pension crisis, which would no longer let state workers retire at age 45 and "double dip" -- throwbacks to the glory days when we could afford to educate our kids and build bridges.
World-classness
- 4
What a Week, 2/20
-2
Governor Beshear unveiled his blackjack plans, proposing 12 Kentucky casinos - including one in Louisville - that could generate $600 million. The proposal faces stiff opposition in the Senate, which responded by passing a bill to ban health insurance for gay partners of state workers and one to require women to get an ultrasound before getting an abortion.
-1
The Transportation Department took a break from not building an east-end bridge to focus on not rebuilding Spaghetti Junction. The bridge construction, which was slated to begin this year, is now slated to begin "when pigs fly," (which seems like an unnecessary dig at local commuters), with the junction portion beginning first.
+5
While state leaders were busy scratching themselves, Metro Council was hard at work easing your pain. The Council wants to tap federal and state funds to synchronize traffic lights on Shelbyville Road and Dixie Highway via wireless instead of their current system, which is apparently Windows 95. The upgrade will eventually add 281 signals and cost up to $10 million, which for that price better also deliver Internet porn and ESPN SportsCenter. The Council also wants to allow restaurants to get quick zoning approval to serve booze outdoors, bringing relief to thirsty smokers.
+7
In other good news, Mayor Abramson announced that the economic downturn has increased competition among contractors so much that the Arena Project could save up to $70 million dollars, prompting hopes that the economy will get so bad the arena will be free. And job-training agency KentuckianaWorks has surplus bucks to train 1000 workers to upgrade their job skills. Get in on the action at www.kentucianworks.org.
World-classness:
+ 9
What a Week, 2/13
-3
Despite a new AP/Ipsos poll showing that most Americans believe getting out of Iraq would be the best way to stimulate the economy (with 48% adding, "Duh!"), the Senate OKed the $168 billion "Buy-Shit-At-Target" anti-recession plan instead. Meanwhile, our ever-innovative corporate predators began unveiling their plans to keep you coming back to your favorite toxins: Yum announced 99-cent menus and Kroger announced $4 prescriptions, meaning recession-beleaguered Americans can cop the disease and its remedy for under $10.
But things won't be so sweet for Kentucky's shut-ins, elderly, and/or mentally ill. Governor Monty Beshear's budget calls for cuts in human services, including Meals on Wheels and other services for the disabled – services that tend to keep shut-ins from needing far costlier nursing-home care. In a sad reminder that not all crazy people work in Frankfort, Central State Hospital laid off 16 psychologists and social workers.
-5
Speaking of lunacy, the Brady Campaign ranked Kentucky in a last-place tie with Oklahoma for the nation's most lax gun laws (www.stategunlaws.org). Requiring businesses to allow guns in the workplace and allowing deadly force to be a first resort in public helped us edge out those second-last-place pussies in Missouri and Louisiana. Putting an exclamation point behind the Brady report were gun-wielding maniacs in St. Louis (6 dead, council meeting) and Baton Rouge (3 dead, classroom).
-2
Not to be outdone, scores of tornadoes pulled a Bobby Knight, choking three states, then abruptly leaving. The storms left 59 dead, including seven Kentuckians but mercifully didn't admonish anybody to "relax and enjoy it." In other ker-powie news, this year's Thunder theme, "Out of This World," was chosen over runner-up "Rednecks Blowing Shit Up."
World-classness
-18
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Smartass w/ bass and saxI'll be reading at tomorrow night's "Jazz and the Spoken Word" event at The Jazz Factory: Event cancelled because of slippery iciness. Stay tuned for rescheduledment.
"Jazz and The Spoken Word returns with a FREE night of music and readings. Writers and poets from around the region read from their works. Bassist Brian Vinson and saxophonist Jacob Duncan provide the jazz improvisation. Don’t miss Jazz & The Spoken Word, now in its fourth season at The Jazz Factory. We open the doors for dinner at 5 p.m. The readings start at 7:30 p.m."
The Jazz Factory is in the Glassworks Building at 8:15 W. Market. Free parking across the street. I'm scheduled to go on first (at 7:30). I would love to see you there.
-Jim
Welp's Louisville, from LEO 2.6.2008
At last, a president who doesn't resemble my uncle
It looks like we're finally going to elect a president who doesn't reflect my privileged, status and I am psyched! As a straight, white, middle-class male, doors have pretty much always swung right open for me. And I'm not going to lie to you, it's been sweet. I never have problems getting served in restaurants and I have full salary parity with males in my profession. Oh, and I can live anywhere I want. Anywhere! It's been pretty awesome.
But, it's getting old always nailing the job interview and getting the promotion, while never getting groped by co-workers or insulted on YouTube by Kramer from Seinfeld. Plus, I only know, like, one guy who's even in jail. One! Can you believe it?
But once Hillary or Obama gets in the White House, things are going to change. And one of those two is definitely going to be our next president. I mean, the Republicans don't even seem to be trying. John McCain and Mitt Romney – are you kidding me? It's like the Republicans want to lose.
Anyway, if the next president is Hillary, things will change, that's for sure. Like, I'll probably start doing more chores around the house. That will be good for me. Build my character. Frankly, it's a little embarrassing sitting on my ass on the couch, just because I'm a dude. It probably wouldn't kill me to actually have to think up something smart to say in meetings instead of always getting the floor just because my generative glands are outside my body cavity, either. Also, maybe I'll finally get around to reading the Brontë sisters.
But I think Barack Obama's going to be our next president. He's going to be impossible to vote against, even for many Republicans, who understand it's the least they can do after foisting the historic, shameful George W. Bush nightmare on people of color the entire world over. Not only is Obama brilliant and dashing and Kennedyizzle (the handsome, lithe Kennedys of the sixties, not the bloated, red-faced, inbred Kennedys of the noughties), but just listening to him talk makes you feel all squishy inside, like that time in middle school when you got a SweeTart from the teacher for answering all the test questions right, and you did it without cheating and the teacher was hot. Barack Obama is walking serotonin.
So how will things be different under President Obama when there's no more racism? I guess I'll get more traffic tickets, since the cops won't be so busy pulling over African Americans just because they're black. That seems like a small price to pay so that millions of people can get access to healthcare, education, insurance, housing, childcare, clean air, clean water, crime-free neighborhoods, bank loans at fair-market rates, hope as a birthright and groceries. Oh, and as veep, Oprah will totally Renuzit any lingering Cheney cooties.
Ever since I was a little kid, I've been anticipating that any day now racism and sexism were going to end and the picnic would be over for us white guys. And damned if it isn't finally going to happen. I'm stoked about the prospect of being judged by the content of my character instead of the color of my skin or the existence of my balls. And I'm totally up for relating to a president who's not a pasty-faced, privileged cracker-man like me (not counting Barack's white half and Hillary's Wellesley/Yale background). So count me in, as America finally wakes up and elects a leader who can't possibly do any worse than the 230-year shitstorm perpetrated by privileged white guys.
Rename this column
It's come to my attention that, as much as I deeply love this city, I don't technically "own" Louisville. Also, a reader suggested that I write more about national issues, and the other reader said, "sure, whatever." Therefore, the name "Welp's Louisville" -- like "Visigoth's Corner" and "Blogging Plessy v. Ferguson" before it -- has become obsolete. Won't you help me rename this column? Please send your suggestions to jim welp at gmail dot com. Thank you.
What a Week, 2/6
- 2
In yet another whiny speech about how broke the Commonwealth is, Governor C. Montgomery Beshear proposed an "austere" budget that'll put such a hurt on us that we'll be dying (some literally, others illiterately) to vote for casino gambling and toll bridges. To make up the current $580ish-million budget shortfall, higher education, roads, and social services will feel the most pain, while Medicaid and public schools will get off a little easier.
+ 4
One possible revenue source is a proposed 70-cent cigarette tax boost, which would generate about $200 million per year and save countless lives but that's a brilliant idea so it has almost no chance of passing. What the anti-tax zealots won't say is that at $3 billion per year in health care and $550 million in Medicaid, tobacco is Kentucky's number-one health care expense, so not raising the tax is also kind of a tax, only more expensive and deadlier.
- 2
The glass-half-full version of that last stat is this: hospitals are Kentucky's 7th-largest industry, according to a U of L study. So, hey, killing ourselves is good for business!
+ 3
With its heroic desegregation system famously screwed by the Supreme Court, Jefferson County Public Schools approved a plan to temporarily assign students according to geography instead of race next year, which will serve to keep schools integrated without using race as the benchmark because our city itself is so heartbreakingly segregated. The compromise reassignment impacts only elementary schools, and should keep 93% of families where they want to be and the other 7% constantly calling talk radio and posting insightful comments like "YUR A MORAN!!" online.
World-classness:
+3
What a Week, 1/30
- 25
Times are turbulent. Last week, the stock market fluctuated more wildly than Mitt Romney's position on abortion and, in response, the fed took a knife to interest rates like an emo kid on prom night. Sphincters clenched across Possibility City as Louisville unemployment rose to 5.4%, Ford announced more buyouts, homeowners saw home prices plummeting, the state killed its student-loan-forgiveness program, you really wanted a cigarette, and your sumpin'-sumpin' secretly worried that hooking up with you was a horrible mistake.
+ 10
But take heart, intrepid Possibility Citizen. Your gummint totally knows what to do: Shut you up with a bribe. The Criminal-in-Chief and Congress agreed on a stimulus plan that will hook tax-rebate electrodes to the economy's nipples to the tune of about $600 per person, hoping you'll hand it over to Home Depot, which will totally fix everything, in the way Ambien fixes everybody but Heath Ledger. Checks will arrive in May.
- 11
And one Kentuckian who can use the rebate bucks is Paducah activist Heather Ryan, who mysteriously got fired from her job at a cinema after she tried to videotape Mitch McConnell awkwardly not answering her questions about the Iraq war. In a statement, McConnell didn't say, "Just because I cured cancer and saved the environment doesn't mean I'm not a dick."
+ 7
So yes, it sucks to be you, but at least when you get old and can't remember anything but the lyrics to "Anyone Else But You," maybe a nursing-home attendant will change your Depends, thanks to Kentucky Rep. Carl Rollins' House Bill 109, which would require proper staffing for nursing homes and remedy the current Cuckoo's Nest state of affairs.
World-classness:
- 21
What a Week, 1/23
+5
It's sweet to see the hometown on top in anything green and that's what happened when recyclers ECO-CELL listed Louisville #1 in the US in cell-phone recycling at North American zoos. The Louisville Zoo recycled 3051 cell phones in '07, earning kudos from green groups and gorillas.
-8
What do you do when your Representatives pass a bill that would save countless miners' lives? If you're President Bush, you threaten a veto. The bill, co-sponsored by Rep. John Yarmuth, would toughen laws that protect miners against the wishes of coal barons, who along with oil barons, pretty much own the Bush White House. The bill now moves to the Senate (also overseen by energy tycoons).
+10
The proverb that says "may you live in times when TV is interesting" has never been more painful, thanks to the writer's strike. But the action could get interesting if Anne Northup runs against Rep. John Yarmuth. Northup, twice-quarantined by voters, teased the electorate about a possible run. Conservatives who would love to vote for the woman who spent an excruciating decade in Congress, progressives who enjoy sticking a fork in the expired, and the advertising industry all await with bated breath.
+1
With US economic nipples squooshed inside Iraq-war channellocks, the $4.2 gajillion Louisville bridges project nowadays garners warm chuckles. But once the laughter dies, the word "toll" sexily spills over lips, especially the pouty maws of Transportation Secretary Joe Prather and Kentucky Senator David Williams. The state, which is awesome at conducting studies, is studying the feasibility of toll funding. Meanwhile, Williams has filed a bill to give local authorities more control to fund projects they can't afford.
World-Classness
+8
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Schtuff
What a Week 1/23
Welp's Louisville: SKYHOOK meeting minutes
GSO: Against the Machine
GSO: Atlantic.com now free
What a Week 1/17
Friday, January 11, 2008
This week's What A Week
-18 Thanks to years of Republican economic fuckedupedness on both the state and federal levels, the Commonwealth's budget is $434 million outta whack. Gamely avoiding the word "gaming," Governor Beshear announced sweeping budget cuts and hiring freezes in education, environmental protection, healthcare, transportation and economic development. Through a spokesman, Mississippi, said, "Boo-yah!"
0 What do you do if bids for a $14 million dollar project you can't afford come in over $19.5 million? You reject them, silly! Even state transportation officials know that much. So that's what they did in rejecting all bids to build an exploratory tunnel to study the geological makeup in the area of fabled automobile tunnels to a mythical east-end bridge. Meanwhile, in a move reminiscent of the time Mom said we could go to the Led Zeppelin concert because she knew it was sold out, the feds approved the $4.1 billion Ohio River Bridges Project, daring Kentucky and Indiana to find a way to pay for it all.
+ 12 Sure, the Dow went into a freefall and oil hit $100 and the credit crisis rained poop and the war raged on and Bush is still president and you gained 10 pounds last month and Louisville's homicide rate in '07 was the worst since merger and Mitch McConnell ads are already wrecking television, but here's something that oughta put an extra shiver in your next orgasm: The Sierra club and the Kentucky Waterways Alliance actually persuaded the Army Corps of Engineers to stop a mountaintop removal expansion in Leslie County. Hey, maybe god isn't dead after all.
World-classness
- 6
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Hiya
Hey Friends, sorry I've been gone so long. I've been busier than a fundamentalist Christian family at a fossil museum but I hope to get back to the business at hand in the coming days. I'll also be blogging over at General Sense of Outrage. In the meantime, here's some archival stuff I haven't posted here:
The Adderall-addled, fat-gram-countin’, Nicorette-chompin’ troop-supportin' 2007 LEO quiz
In November and December, these items ran in City Strobe:
Pride goeth before produce
Remember those "Kentucky Proud" ads featuring the comical acting stylings of Rick Pitino and Tubby Smith alongside some Kentucky produce? Remember how those ads were entertaining because the two men had about as much in common with family farming as Pop Tarts and Lunchables? And remember how the ads weren't a gross misuse of political power because neither man was agriculture commissioner nor had aspirations to be governor? Well, that's all over.
Last week, Agriculture Commissioner Richie Farmer unveiled the new Kentucky Proud campaign, which stars, um, Richie Farmer. The commish appears with former UK basketball stars John Pelphrey, Deron Feldhaus, and Sean Woods – a foursome known to UK fans as "The Backstreet Boys." No, wait, they're called the Unforgettables, partly for their unfor
gettable performance in the weeks leading up to a famous last-second jumper by Duke's Christian Laettner. (What, too soon?)
The mustachioed Farmer, a rising cadet in the Republican party, denies the ads are a promotional tool for his future political ambitions. In fact, the department intentionally delayed the rollout until after Farmer's re-election this year, proving that the ads are a promotional tool for his future political ambitions.
The Kentucky Proud ads (not to be confused with the Kentuckiana Pride Festival, which isn't quite as gay) promote Kentucky-grown products, including produce, fish, meat, and, now, the mustachioed Farmer. Unlike last year's ads, this year's ads offer nothing to entice U of L fans, unless you include the inevitable subliminal memory of Laettner, which might just be fuzzy enough to sell some local melons.
A taxing dilemma
Last month's overwhelming defeat for a proposed library tax left Metro government in a quandary: How to modernize the library system in a city where the majority of citizens hate books? The voters' dramatic reenactment of the movie "Idiocracy" left no doubt that a tax is untenable. And yet, libraries are grossly outdated, overburdened and what Library Director Craig Buthod (pronounced "Eeyore") described as "Oh, bother."
The vote left Metro Council with only one option: to snipe at each other through the media. But that got old. So now the council is pledging to find a way to fund the library's master plan through a complex system that involves using tax money without using the word "tax" -- a plan that's remarkably easier to implement in a society that doesn't read.
Council Republicans Hal Heiner and Ellen Call and Democrats Tina Ward-Pugh and Jim King comprise the bipartisan team that's pledged to come up with a plan. The plan will rely heavily on a clever trick of capitalism known as "bonds," which is a form of revenue-generating magic that doesn't impact taxpayers in much the same way calories don't count when you eat leftover lo mein noodles over the sink at midnight. The foursome promised to have a workable plan by the middle of next month, but cautioned that any bond funding would take a couple of years to jumpstart, a period during which citizens are encouraged to "watch a lot of TV and maybe visit Borders and put the books back on the shelves after reading them."
The outsourcing Gap
Planning to head out to The Summit to hit up Baby Gap for a pair of faux-shearling booties or a tartan aviator hat for the darling newborn in your life? Nah, me neither. But if we were planning such an adventure, it might be worth nothing that Baby Gap has been caught using child slave labor – and we're not talking about Internet rumors that Suri Cruise has inked a million-dollar Baby Gap modeling contract.
Last week, an Observer (UK) journalist described appalling conditions endured by children forced into labor by a Gap vendor in India. The Gap is now in full-blown damage-control mode. The retail giant – 3000 stores and $16 billion annual revenue – has recalled all merchandise from the vendor and pledged to tighten up its supply chain to ensure children aren't involved in the manufacture of its clothing. The incident comes in the midst of a campaign to support U2 star Bono's "Red" products, which fight AIDS in Africa, and other high-profile efforts to improve The Gap's 90's-era image as a company that exploits children.
If you're not convinced of The Gap's good intentions, you could take your fashion dollars to Old Navy or Banana Republic. Er, um, but guess who owns them: The Gap. In fact, next time you buy a hand-made anything for under $50 from outsourcing corporate America, you have to wonder if a third world child's sweat touched it before you did.
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These Welp's Louisville columns appeared in LEO:
Primary Envy
Bonds 101
Mayberry's RFD
And, much to my delight, LEO reincarnated "What a Week," my first and fondest column. The column now includes a festive "World-Classness" index -- a meaningless number playing on Possibility City's "World Class" optimism and/or Dumbya's silly terror alert system. Here are the columns that have appeared so far:
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+ 5 A group of Kentucky legislators proposed an amendment to the Kentucky Constitution that would restore voting rights to approximately 129,000 convicted felons who've paid their debts to society. Kentucky is one of only two states that require people convicted of felonies to formally ask the governor to restore their voting rights after they've served their time. The restriction disproportionately impacts blacks and those convicted of drug offenses, two groups whose voting could influence policies unfavorable to blacks and those convicted of drug offenses.
+ 1 The Trust for America Health gave Kentucky and Indiana high marks on its disaster-preparedness report card. Kentucky scored a perfect 10 and Indiana scored 9 out of 10 on such statewide benchmarks as emergency medical distribution, laboratory capabilities, surveillance systems, and the likelihood that a terrorist has ever heard of your state.
+1 Discount retailer Dollar General donated $515,000 to Louisville-based National Center for Family Literacy to fund various "reading and writing programs" that used to take place in what were once known as "libraries." The company said the programs will increase educational attainment, resulting in a better economy, where, with a little luck, people wouldn't have to shop at Dollar General.
- 5 Early estimates projected that holiday retail sales sucked even more than pre-season predictions. The housing crisis, high energy prices and those really annoying Old Navy ads conspired to keep shoppers out of stores in December. Pessimists considered it another sign of economic malaise, optimists found hope that Americans are curbing their appetite for cheap plastic crap, and retailers are just hoping a lot of people lost their gift cards.
World-classness:
+ 2
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+ 4 Congress approved and President Bush signed into law a new fuel-economy requirement for auto manufacturers, giving hope to a future world with less fossil fuel dependence and fewer Hummer-driving assholes. The bill requires Big Auto to produce vehicles that average 35 MPG by 2020, an increase in renewable fuels, and more efficient lighting, appliances and commercial buildings. A provision that would have killed $13.5 billion in tax breaks for Big Oil to use toward wind, solar and conservation measures failed, reminding us who still calls the shots in America.
+ 2 Your gummint agreed to a half-trillion-dollar spending bill that includes some delectable pork for local projects including bridges, dams, airport runways, and police. Tucked deeply inside the bill is legislation that makes it harder for the criminally insane to buy guns, clearing the path for a future acknowledgement that we're all criminally insane.
+ 1 Wired Magazine reported that scientists have opened a new front in the war on cows. By including garlic in cattle feed, researchers have reduced the methane in cow flatulence – which is responsible for a fifth of all greenhouse emissions – by half, thereby reducing by one the myriad ways cows are trying to kill us.
+ 25 The Fantastic Four (Jesus, Santa, Frosty and the Coca-Cola Polar Bear) came. Packages were unwrapped, the homeless were fed, neuroses were fueled, and hearts were full of joy and cholesterol and high fructose corn syrup and peace.
world-classness:
+ 32
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+ 7
With a fireplace crackling in the background, retired Marine Lt. Col. Andrew Horne YouTubed his candidacy to unseat Sen Mitch McConnell, whom many consider unbeatable despite having done everything wrong ever. Describing his candidacy, Horne said, "Iraq Iraq Katrina Bush Iraq Bush war war war." Others rumored to be angling to unseat McConnell include businessmen Bruce Lunsford and Charlie Owen, Attorney General Greg Stumbo, and McConnell himself, who plans to eat a live puppy on TV every day until the election.
- 12
For the second time, President Bush vetoed expanded health care legislation for children. The bill would have covered about four million children nationally and hundreds of thousands of Kentucky families who earn too much to qualify for Medicaid but not enough to afford private health insurance. Instead of voting immediately to override the veto, House Democrats decided to leave the kids dangling for another month and vote near the State of the Union address, when they can really cram the issue down Republican cakeholes.
+ 3
Declaring, "Frankly, we're mad as hell that we haven't done better" (with which we heartily agree) and "The whole world loves to eat healthy" (which makes us risk injury to others by spitting hot coffee across the room), sleepy-eyed Yum chairman David Novak announced new healthier menus for Yum restaurants, including more grilled and low-fat options and less rat poop.
+ 17
LEO resurrected What A Week as part of expanded news coverage; fans of short-form sarcasm rejoiced. Can we get a WAW WAW?
WORLD-CLASSNESS
15
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For those who like a dose of OFGS without all the sarcasm and F-bombs, here's some other stuff:
My interview with Bellarmine University theology professor Mil Thompson, my interviews with authors Wade Hall and Clyde Crews, and my essay, "It Takes a Lot of Media to Get This Dumb," appeared in the Summer issue of Bellarmine Magazine.
My essay on Marble Hill - "The Planet You Save Might Be Your Own" and my goofball ghost-written detective story "Bobby B – The Plot Thickens" appear in the Winter issue of Bellarmine Magazine.
Happy 2008, y'all. See you soon, and remember: I support our troops more than you do.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
From last week's LEO:
Maybe that’s why they’re called ‘pacifier’
OK, class, today’s new vocabulary word is “phthalate.” Phthalate is not what the boss with the speech impediment asked her overworked employees to do. It is a chemical compound that conveniently turns hard plastic crap into soft plastic crap, so it can be shaped into a variety of handy items, such as shampoo bottles, car interiors, iPhones, sex toys, nail polish, fishing lures and children’s toys. Phthalates have been shown to reduce testosterone — the stuff that makes men (and some women) men — and to disrupt the sexual development of boys. Recent studies also link phthalates to endocrine-system problems and sexual dysfunction.
The fact that phthalates are used to make so many children’s toys is a growing concern, so much so that most industrial countries have banned them from teethers, pacifiers and rattles. But not America, where we can take our dangerous chemicals like men, even those that threaten to turn us into, well, not men. On the bright side, perhaps if phthalates turn us into a species of women, maybe we’ll finally quit starting so many pesky wars. To learn how to protect your family’s testosterone, visit The Environmental Working Group.
From last week's LEO:
The outsourcing Gap
Planning to head out to The Summit to hit up Baby Gap for a pair of faux-shearling booties or a tartan aviator hat for the darling newborn in your life? Nah, me neither. But if we were planning such an adventure, it might be worth noting that Baby Gap has been caught using child slave labor — and we’re not talking about Internet rumors that Suri Cruise has inked a million-dollar Baby Gap modeling contract.
Last week, an Observer (UK) journalist described appalling conditions endured by children forced into labor by a Gap vendor in India. The Gap is now in full-blown damage-control mode. The retail giant — 3,000 stores and $16 billion annual revenue — has recalled all merchandise from the vendor and pledged to tighten up its supply chain to ensure children aren’t involved in the manufacture of its clothing. The incident comes in the midst of a campaign to support U2 star Bono’s “Red” products, which fight AIDS in Africa, and other high-profile efforts to improve The Gap’s ’90s-era image as a company that exploits children.
If you’re not convinced of The Gap’s good intentions, you could take your fashion dollars to Old Navy or Banana Republic. Er, um, but guess who owns them: The Gap. In fact, next time you buy a handmade anything for under $50 from outsourcing corporate America, you have to wonder if a third-world child’s sweat touched it before you did.