Monday, November 29, 2004

My Speech to the Rotary Club
Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. Thanks very much. Thank you. Please. Thank you. Thanks, thanks a lot. Seriously. Thanks. OK, thanks, no, please, thank you. Thanks.

Before we begin, let's bow our heads and pray. Dear Lord, please protect us from those who kill and discriminate and persecute in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, amen.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, of all the … um… actually…

Gentlemen, of all the…

Beg pardon? You're a woman? No shit. OK, cool. Lady and gentlemen, of all the weird cults plaguing America today, yours is my third favorite. No, not really. I'm just saying that. I have no idea what you do. It doesn't involve mutilating kittens, does it? Because if one kitten gets mutilated, I am outta here.

But let's just say I do know what you do and that I'm glad you invited me here today. As you can see on the PowerPoint on the wall behind me, the topic of my speech today is "Janet Jackson's Bosom: Some Think Of It As Half Exposed But I Prefer To Think Of It As Half Decently Covered" And as you can see here on slide two, I've shortened it to "Optimism in America."

Now, you might say, "What is there to be optimistic about?" And you'd be right. Which is why, as you can see on this next slide, I've decided to re-title my speech, "America – What the fuck went wrong?" I believe I have the answer to that question.

In my opinion, America has been viciously attacked by two men: Osama bin Laden and Bill Gates. (You could also make a case for Mel Gibson, Sam Walton, Karl Rove, Dennis Miller and that dweeby little dude with the bow tie on CNN, but those chicken breasts on the steam table over there aren't getting any juicier, so let's just say bin Laden and Gates.)

When Osama bin Laden attacked America in 2001, he pissed off all of us. We were united in our pissedoffedness. But over time, America became divided about how to respond. Should we use all our intelligence and technology and ingenuity to find the terrorists and kill them or should we attack Iraq? Because the Republicans were in power, we attacked Iraq. But hey, that's America. What are ya gonna do? The reds have it. C'est la vie, whatever.

And so we were all like, "Osama, come out of your hole, muthafucka, or we are SO gonna kick Iraq's ass." And he was all like, "Go ahead you infidels, Allah is gonna show God a thing or two." And we were all like, "Are you talking smack about God? After school, we're gonna totally fuckin' kill Iraq." And he was all like, "Whatever, you pork-eating perverts." And we were like, "Dude! If you don't shutup, Iraq is SO dead." And so the dialog continues.

But the divisions here at home continued as well. Americans took a close look at themselves and said, "holy crap, we're getting FAT!" And some of us went on diets that were low in carbohydrates and high in protein, which is known to activate the kill-kill-kill-pow-pow-pow enzymes that protect us from predators and make us buy cheap, plastic crap at Wal-Mart and enjoy reality-based programming on television.

When we burped, wiped the grease off our lips, and came out of our stupor, we found ourselves divided into two camps: red and blue (there were also some purples, but we quickly wrote them out of the constitution). Both camps listened carefully to Osama bin Laden for clues to his crimes and his views about America and then said, "I wish somebody would translate this – I don't speak Arabic."

So we found some translators who could put bin Laden's views into words we could understand, such as "infidel," "Allah," and "spaghetti." The translation was eventually simplified to mostly one-syllable words so that Fox News viewers could understand it too. Only by getting all Americans to participate, could we examine ourselves and take action.

But not all Americans agreed on what bin Laden's words said about us. The blues listened carefully and said, "Wow, he's got a point about how our military-industrial complex is wreaking havoc on the world and we are totally going to knock that shit off one of these days." And the reds said, "Wow, he's got a point about how we're exporting a culture of vapid, depraved, sugary lard candy-sex around the globe and we are totally going to knock that shit off one of these days." But for now, the two camps could agree on one thing: money is cool.

So we rushed to our computers to create blogs to talk about how money is cool and Jesus rules and how the reds hate the blues and the blues hate the reds and everybody hates the purples. And we downloaded some desperately needed carbs and guns and Eminem videos and body armor and three-cheese bacon burgers and bible verses and wide-open beavers until suddenly our computers slowed to a crawl and said, "Error: Your computer is seriously fucked because Bill Gates failed to make Windows secure and now you live halfway between a real world that's not secure and a virtual world that's not secure and here's what you should focus all of your soul's energy on for the rest of your life: security, security, security, security, security!" And so we turned off our computers, meditated on world peace, and went out into the world to love our fellow human beings.

No, seriously, we bought a six-pack and watched Monday Night Football. And what do you think happened? More perverted sexual naked non-football stuff happened, that's what. And this time it involved a white woman and a black man, causing millions of southerners to reach for their shotguns but they were too aroused to concentrate so disaster was averted. But it could have been bad.

Eventually, the football game started and we all fell asleep on the couch during the second quarter and dreamed about having perfectly sculptured bodies and swimming naked through a lake of money and Cool Ranch Doritos with the cast of "Friends." And we woke up and went to bed and in the morning, we cringed like we do every morning, wondering if there'd been another terror attack overnight, and we turned on the Today show to find out but we saw that there'd only been some more deaths in Iraq and mayhem in the Holy Land and Spongebob, Desperate Housewives, cold front. And all was well, which is why as you can see on this next slide, I've re-titled my speech back to "Optimism in America."

Now, as a rotund Rotarian, you're probably wondering what you can do to help America heal. Frankly, not much. The Lions and Ruritans and Optimists are much better at that sort of thing. But there is something you and all Americans can do: stop being part of the problem. Stop believing you worship the superior god. Stop buying cars that are the size of houses and houses that are the size of churches and churches that are the size of stadiums and stadiums that are the size of Larry King's ego. Try to shoot stuff less. If you're going to flash your boobs, flash both of them because one is kind of weird and asymmetrical. Lay off the trans fats. And for the love of God, if you can't stop doing all this shit, keep it here in America because those foreigners don't seem to know a good thing when they see one, which is why, as you can see on this next PowerPoint, I've re-titled my speech, "Let's Keep Our Crap to Ourselves."

In closing, let me say what an honor it's been to speak to you today. Thank you. Thank you very much. You're too kind. ...I beg your pardon? The Rotary Club meeting is in room 200-C? This is Narcotics Anonymous? I'm sorry about that. Please forgive me. Thank you.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Who's More Liberal?
[Didgeridoo theme music sounds] ...

Announcer: Welcome to America's favorite television game show...

Studio audience [shouts]: Who's More Liberal?...

Announcer [somewhat sheepishly]: OK, to be fair, the game show that's solidly in the 7th percentile of popularity, as measured by the Boston Phoenix/Le Show poll conducted at Wild Oats stores nationwide. [regaining enthusiasm] And now, here's the host of Who's More Liberal?, Lakshmi Stardust!

Lakshmi: Thank you, Rainbow. Thank you, everybody, I bring you peace. Now, let's all open up our crown chakras and play Who's More Liberal? Rainbow, tell us about our contestants!

Rainbow: Well, Lakshmi, our first contestant is a hemp-store owner from Sedona, Arizona; please welcome Anastasia Hearthfire! [applause]

Anastasia: Very groovy, thank you!

Rainbow: Joining Anastasia is a part-time counselor at a rape-crisis center in Cambridge, Massachusetts; please welcome Brian Bobbit-Blade! [applause]

Brian [hugs Anastasia, waves to audience]: Oh, thank you all SO much!

Rainbow: And our last contestant is a listserv producer with Greenpeace International who hails from Berkeley, California. Please say bonjour to Louis Arugula! [applause]

Louis: May you all be purified by the Godforce!

Lakshmi: Welcome, everybody. You know the rules. I'll ask each of you to answer a question and our distinguished studio audience will vote telepathically to determine... Who's More Liberal! And here are your categories for today's game: Hybrid Cars, Palestine, Anal Sex, Sustainable Agriculture, Anthroposophical Healing, The Shrinking Rainforest, Legumes, Baseball's Designated Hitter Rule, Collective Bargaining, The Kyoto Protocol, Why The Caged Bird Sings, and The Supreme Court. Anastasia, as our returning leading liberal, you control the board. Please choose a category.

Anastasia: Very groovy, thank you! I just wish we all could win! Well, Lakshmi, I guess let's go with Hybrid Cars.

Lakshmi: Excellent choice. Anastasia, your question is, What did you drive to the studio today?

Anastasia: Lakshmi, I drove a Toyota Prius. Not only did I achieve an average of 60 miles per gallon on the ride here, but I had to wait over 6 months to take delivery of the car, a period of suffering that fostered deep spiritual growth! [applause]

Lakshmi: Excellent, excellent. Brian?

Brian [turns toward Anastasia]: Is that your cute little Prius outside, the pearl one with the Che Guevara sticker? That thing is aDORable! If I win today, I'm going to share the prize with you! [turns back toward Lakshmi] Lakshmi, I almost bought a Prius but instead I decided to buy a used VW Jetta diesel. The mileage isn't quite as good as the Prius but I saved over four thousand dollars, which enabled me to make sizeable donations to both the World Wildlife Fund and Students Against Destructive Decisions! [wild applause].

Lakshmi: Well played, Brian. Louis?

Louis: Lakshmi, may I point out that both the Jetta and Prius are built in non-union shops? I do not own an automobile. I sold it and bought a bicycle. [scattered, polite applause]

Lakshmi: It looks like Brian ...

Louis: But I don't even ride the bike! I walk everywhere I go because the bike's tires are made of rubber, which is a major source of air pollution during manufacture and a source of water pollution from leacheates in the aquatic environment, not to mention the waste-disposal issues... [drowning applause]

Lakshmi: It looks like Louis is our winner in the Hybrid Car category! Louis, you control the board.

Louis: Thanks, but first I'd like to share my points with Brian and Anastasia! Their answers were wonderful.

Lakshmi: Oh, I'm sorry, Louis, but I'm afraid we can't allow that. Because of the impact of karma on the outcome of the game, our rules prohibit it. Please select a category.

Louis: I understand and I'm sorry. I assure you I was not trying to gain an unfair advantage. Feel free to take away my points.

Lakshmi: Hello? The karma rule, OK?

Louis: Sorry! I'll go with Legumes, Lakshmi.

Lakshmi: Very good. Louis, what legumes have you eaten today?

Louis: Wow. Gosh. Let's see. I had some endame yesterday. Um, I have a wonderful recipe for red beans and rice I was going to try out tonight for dinner. Today I took my chances with mercury and ate some fish because it's brain food, you know... [Buzzer sounds; studio audience groans]

Lakshmi: Oh, I'm sorry Louis, time's up. Brian?

Brian: For lunch, I had aduki beans with kombu. It was macrobiotic! [polite applause]

Lakshmi: Anastasia?

Anastasia: Well, for breakfast I had soy grits and organic peanut butter on toast and for lunch I had falafel with hummus. I made it myself using organic chickpeas. [wild applause]

Lakshmi: I believe Anastasia takes the Legumes category. Anastasia, you control the board.

Anastasia: Um, I'll take Kyoto, please.

Lakshmi: Please describe your best protest day.

Anastasia [beaming]: At WTO in Seattle, I made a sign that spelled "Amerikkka" with three Ks, Anastasia! [scattered mild applause].

Lakshmi: Brian?

Brian: In Paris, I joined other activists in painting our torsos in neon colors and occupying a Denys Puech sculpture. [applause]

Lakshmi: Nice touch. Louis?

Louis: Lakshmi, my proudest protest was when I traveled to Brazil to join tens of thousands of demonstrators in a march led by Jose Bove himself! [applause]

Anastasia: ...did I mention that the Amerikkka sign I made in Seattle was painted on my naked body? [wild applause]

Lakshmi: I think our audience has chosen. Anastasia, you control the board. Please choose a category.

Anastasia: Um... I'll take the Supreme Court, Lakshmi.

Lakshmi: Very well. If Justice Antonin Scalia were a yoga position, what position would he be?

Anastasia: Gosh, that's tough. I guess I would have to say he'd be a down-facing dog? [polite applause]

Lakshmi: Brian?

Brian: Wow. He's so blocked... I'll go with the legs-up-the-wall-corpse pose. [applause]

Lakshmi: Louis?

Louis: Cobra, definitely. [scattered applause]

Lakshmi: I'm sorry. The correct position was knee-hugging child. Knee-hugging child. [disappointed groan from the audience, followed by encouraging applause] Anastasia? You still control the board.

Anastasia: I'll try Palestine, Lakshmi.

Lakshmi: Very good. Please come up with a punch line for this joke, trying not to use "Yessir, Arafatwa" or "Mahmud-swing Abbas" in your answer: Ariel Sharon, George Bush, and Jerry Falwell walk into a mosque... [didgeridoo music interrupts] Oh, that sound means it's time for a word from our sponsors. Don't touch that dial. We'll be back in a moment to find out Who's More Liberal!...

Monday, November 15, 2004

It's Too Bad I'm Not As Moral As Tim In HR
It's too bad I'm not as moral as Tim Carson, this guy in HR. He's so moral. He always knows just what Jesus would do and he's not afraid to tell you. I think there must be something wrong with me because I can't always tell. But Tim, he always knows.

Here's my big problem: When I think of something like war or abortion or homelessness or oppression or stem cells, I tend to see too many facets of the issue instead of seeing how simple it really is. I guess that's because I'm just not very moral. But not Tim: he's as moral as all get-out, so he always knows just what's right.

I'll give you an example. Tim knows just how many people it's OK to kill in order to make the U. S. safe: "As many as it takes."

I admire that kind of moral confidence so much. If somebody had asked me, I probably would have said something immoral like, "wasn't Jesus against killing?" Or, "if we act just like our enemies, don't we become our enemies?" But again, that's just because I'm so immoral. It's probably because I don't go to church. If I went to church, maybe I'd understand how good killing is.

Here's another example of a time Tim really impressed me with his superior morals: during last year's Super Bowl. I watched the halftime show with my family and suddenly, for about half a second, it looked like one of Janet Jackson's boobs fell out of her clothes. We all looked at each other and said, "Whoa, what just happened there?" But by the next morning, we'd pretty much forgotten all about it. But not Tim. Because of his superior morals, he knew exactly what to do: talk about Janet Jackson's boob for months on end. And he must have been right because that's what all the churchgoing people and the news networks and the Internet community and the radio stations did. I remember it so clearly because he called me over to his computer, where he'd gone to the trouble of downloading and magnifying a photo of Janet Jackson with her boob out. He showed it to me, along with a lot of other photos on his computer, also of women with their boobs out. Which just goes to show you, Tim really knows what he's talking about. He's willing to do the research in his unwavering quest for morality.

When the Commonwealth of Kentucky proposed an amendment to its constitution banning gay marriage, Tim once again showed his amazing moral character. The amendment didn't seem right to me because I couldn't see how gay people marrying could hurt marriage. But Tim said he didn't think gay people should get married and he should know because he's been married four times. And he said he doesn't know any homosexuals anyway, which surprised me because I didn't realize he hadn't met Daniel in Finance. Or Lois on the graphics team. Or Marty in HR. Or Debra in Marketing. Or Trisha or David or Cal. I guess I just don't understand what it's like to be as moral as Tim. His devotion to monogamy is probably so strong because it's been tested so many times on those business trips he takes, where he often has to visit strip clubs. When you get tested like that all the time, how could you not become highly moral?

Hey, wait a minute! Now that I think of it, Tim does know Debra. Trisha too. And Lois. Because they all complained that he'd made inappropriate sexual advances. He's so moral that he's probably trying to save them from their own homosexuality. That must be it. That Tim, he's really something.

Corporate crime is another issue that seems immoral to me. It really bothers me when insurance companies and energy companies and other large corporations prey on their own employees and investors and consumers. But Tim explained it to me. He said it was like the time he wanted to scan his collection of old photos but didn't see why he should have to pay for it. So he bought a scanner at Office Depot, scanned all the photos, and then returned the scanner for a refund. In no time, he had his own Internet pornography business going. Like Tim said, it was a victimless crime. Like when he cheats on his taxes.

Here's another example of how confused I am when it comes to morality: I thought when President Bush and Vice President Cheney repeatedly linked Saddam Hussein with Osama bin Laden, that was lying. And when they said we were going to Iraq because there were weapons of mass destruction there, that was lying. But it wasn't. It was promoting freedom. Just ask Tim. And he should know all about lying -- he's a Promise Keeper!

I really thought I had Tim when it came to Social Security. I read that if we applied President Bush's tax cuts to Social Security, it would guarantee the program's solvency for at least 75 years! But instead of helping our struggling seniors, the president wants to give the money to the wealthiest Americans. How could that be the morally superior choice? But once again I had the inferior moral values. Tim said his pastor explained that it's more moral to privatize Social Security and let people invest their retirement money for faster wealth. So when Tim got his $300 tax check, he invested it in the exacta in the third race at Churchill Downs, which came this close to making him a cool $1200. He ended up with no money, but he learned something. Next time, he's going to invest his $300 in an X-Box and a little weed.

He then asked me to pray with him, but I had to go to a meeting.

Being a good churchgoing man, Tim is fervently pro-life. That's why he feels so strongly about Governor Fletcher's decision to sign the death warrant for convicted murderer Thomas Clyde Bowling, even though Bowling is mentally retarded and might be innocent. Because of his strong pro-life stance, Tim is delighted that Kentucky is going to "fry the motherfucker."

I would have guessed Jesus would say that Thomas Clyde Bowling should not be fried, that gay people should be allowed to marry, that the Iraq war is wrong, that we should help out our elders, that corporate crime should stop and that Janet's Jackson's boob is not one of America's biggest problems. I guess I'll never be as moral as Tim.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Kentucky in Contention for Most-Redneck-State Status
OFGS News Service
Frankfort, Ky -- Kentucky is one of three finalists for the highly coveted prize of Most Redneck State, Governor Ernie Fletcher announced here today. The two other finalists are Georgia and Indiana.

Buoyed by their strong showing in last week's elections, Kentucky rednecks are excited about their state's chances to win the nation's top redneck prize. "Seeing Kentucky go red so early was one of the happiest moments of my life," Fletcher said, referring to the national TV news networks' famous red-and-blue U.S. electoral maps. "Why, most of those northern states hadn't even finished their breakfast granola before Kentucky was firmly in the red category." Many experts believe Kentucky would have gone red even sooner if not for color-confusion among some University of Kentucky basketball fans.

Kentucky, once a bastion of Democratic -- albeit conservative -- politics, is now among the nation's most Republican states. This year, the voters in Kentucky rode a wave of Christian extremism, racism, and homophobia to sweep all the redneck-friendly options on the November 2 ballot.

In perhaps an even more dramatic claim to its redneck resurgence, Kentucky candidates were able to get elected despite numerous bigoted and inflammatory public statements. Republican Senator Jim Bunning, who has been rehearsing for an upcoming role as a mental patient, appealed to redneck voters by comparing opponent Daniel Mongiardo to "one of Saddam's sons," in an openly racist attempt to recast the Italian-American as a Baathist. It worked. Meanwhile, Republican State Senator David Williams, speaking on behalf of Bunning, called Mongiardo "limp-wristed," spurring his clearly curious redneck base into uncontrollable fits of giggling. The state also officially wrote discrimination into its Constitution by passing a gay-marriage ban by an overwhelming 75% majority.

Kentucky's other U.S. Senator, Republican Mitch McConnell, said Kentucky's preeminence as a leader in redneckery speaks for itself. "This president reached out to white, Christian trash and Kentucky responded. I mean, don't get me wrong -- plenty of other states have rednecks. But our brand is purer. We love guns, we love Jesus, we love pickup trucks and we hate people who are different from us." Senator Williams added, "...especially fags! You're not a fag, are ya?"

When asked to comment on the redneck revolution, Kentucky Republican State Senator Elizabeth Tori declined, saying she is "not a man and therefore not qualified to speak."

But Kentucky's bid for Most Redneck State isn't a lock. At least not if Georgia Republican Senator and wild-eyed Muslim-hater Zell Miller has anything to say about it. "Are you kiddin' me? Kentucky? She-it. Georgia has always been and will always be the most redneck state. Quick! Little word association: What do you think when I say 'Georgia?' Betcha said 'cracker,' didn't ya? Nuff said."

Kentucky's McConnell dismissed Miller's claim. "Georgia. Psht. HelLO? Elton John? Ted Turner? Michael Stipe? Jimmy Carter? Read it and weep... and if you can't read, move to Kentucky!"

Indiana, considered by many to be the sleeper in the contest, could emerge victorious if allowed to count its highly inbred citizens who are too mentally retarded to behave in an openly redneck fashion. "If you combine our rural inbred retards with our urban, rich rednecks, that's a pretty formidable one-two punch," said pistol-packin' U.S. Representative John Hostettler. "And Indiana is second to none when it comes to hating queers. Sheep we'll screw, but only sheep of the opposite sex." Hostettler, who was detained and cited in April for carrying a Glock 9 mm semiautomatic handgun through an airport security checkpoint, fired off a few quick rounds to emphasize his point, killing two passersby. "Damn!" he shouted. "Those two would've counted!"

The nation's Most Redneck State will be announced by President Bush in a Rose Garden ceremony to be simulcast on Fox News and AM radio soon after January's coronation. Texas, which has won the award each of the past 50 years, is permanently retired from contention in order to give another state a chance.

In a related development, the national group White Angry Racists (WAR) has changed its name to reflect the new evangelism sweeping the country. The new name is the National Association of Scary, Christian Angry Rednecks (NASCAR).

Monday, November 01, 2004

Kerry! Kerry! Pow! Pow! Pow!
Being an anti-troops, anti-fetus, anti-marriage, freedom hater, I have high hopes for our next president, John Kerry. And on the eve of the election, I am confident he will win. But even if Bush wins (or loses again but, well, you know), I have a lot to be happy about. I am happy that America got past its ugly time of forbidding dissent. I am happy that I can say right out loud that Bush is a big poopy-head and that I can say it without being branded a terrorist. And I am happy that millions of Americans agree on these points and that we were free to speak out against him and vote against him and make it clear to the rest of the world that we do not all endorse his foolish actions. God bless America, I say (while still harboring naughty fantasies about Canada, especially if this heinous tilt toward religious right-wing bigotry continues).

And despite the shit they've been given, I even understand why there are still undecided voters. It's not that they're having trouble deciding what each man stands for, it's that they're having trouble deciding which one is the bigger liar. To be a politician in America is to be a liar. And the closer it gets to an election, the more their pants combust.

Even worse, American politics requires both candidates to support the war, even though everybody but Halliburton and the most morbidly Christian know it was wrong. I saw a bumper sticker on I-64 the other day that said, "Kill them all and let Allah sort them out." It broke my heart. How can we have come to this place? C'mon, leaders! Lead!

But it's not just the war. Our leaders lie to us about all sorts of issues. Like: The war on terra is winnable. We all know it's not. No matter what we do, some lunatic with a pocket knife or some agriculture chemicals and a U-Haul can make us all cower in fear. It was true before 9/11 and it's true today. But neither Kerry nor Bush will say so (at least not on purpose).

Here's another big lie: Terrorism is the biggest problem facing the world. Truth is, it's not even in the top ten. (Or at least it wasn't before the Christian Cowboy started wreaking havoc.) Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying terrorism isn't a problem. I'm just saying that it's not among our most serious problems, despite our obsession with it during this camp-pain. We are destroying our planet at an alarming pace (one acre per SECOND of forest land disappears worldwide). We are ruining our drinking water and making our air impossible to breathe. We are giving ourselves cancer. 20,000 people die every day from starvation. Here's one nobody (except Howard Dean) ever talks about: more Americans die every year from auto accidents than died in the entire Vietnam War. Many of those fatalities are preventable if we'd only impose tougher restrictions on automakers and trucking companies and American highways. Ask yourself this: Do you know more people who've died from cancer and automobile accidents or from terrorism? And what could the $150 billion spent in Iraq and the nearly $4 billion spent on the election have done to reduce those deaths? Another way to ask that question is this: Are we being smart about fighting terror or are we being vengeful? America: We can't be both. But you won't hear shit about that from either candidate. So, Undecided Voter, I salute you. Oh, and good fuckin' luck inside that booth (vote Kerry!).

OK, since the rest of us have our minds made up, here's some other stuff to think about:

Johnny Is My Homeboy
I hate to say I told you so, but I must direct your attention to the April 19, 2004, Oh, For God's Sake, paragraph seven, in which I said of the Boston Red Sox, and I quote, "this is going to be the year." Like all long-time Sox fans, I am superstitious. But unlike most Sox fans, I have never believed in The Curse, which, like God, is only real if you believe in it. Oh, and next year? The Cubs. Write it down.

Dude, We Are Like So Totally Winning THIS War
You have been told some pretty impressive lies this year by your government, but this one might just take the ... um, hash brownie. The October 10th Courier-Journal, under the headline "Official Says US Winning War on Drugs," quoted US Assistant Undersecretary of State Robert Charles saying that the "tipping point" in the war on drugs has been reached. Citing recent success in apprehending 28 tons of cocaine from fishing boats and fumigating coca crops in Colombia, Charles predicted that authorities would "break the backs" of the drug cartels within two years. Charles, who was later determined to be ON drugs, also predicted that his tongue would become fuzzy and that a pepperoni-lover's stuffed crust pizza would be totally fuckin' awesome right about now.

Newsflash: Your Boss is Nuts
Here's a shocker: According to the October Harvard Business Review, psychopaths are likely to excel as business managers. (And no I'm not psychopathic enough to read the Harvard Business Review, OK? The Courier-Journal published this item in handy blurb form.) The Harvard journal quoted University of British Columbia psychologist Robert Hare, who said, "Many of the psychopaths' defining characteristics -- their polish, charm, cool decisiveness and fondness for the fast lane -- are easily, and often, mistaken for leadership qualities." Much like a hick to NASCAR, psychopaths are attracted to the fast-paced, volatile, hyper-competitive workplace of the modern American fucked-up, claw-and-gouge-your-way-to-the-top business scene, where they are rewarded for their psychopathic characteristics and quickly promoted. Gosh, nobody saw that coming except the millions of Americans who work in corporations and suffer the outrageous behavior of manager/psychopaths every day, while courageously slogging on, shuffling corporate America's paper, selling corporate America's dreck, and half-assedly dotting America's Ts and crossing America's I's and aggressively not reading Harvard Business Review, which fortunately stopped quoting Hare before he announced the goddam sun would set in the fucking west.

Brains Kicks Brawn's Ass
I wasn't kidding earlier about hating to say I told you so but a recent news story has proved me right on two counts: that Bush is the wrong man to lead the war on terra, and that nerds can help. In an AP story widely covered in the mainstream press, various experts concluded that fighting terrorism takes brains (which proves Bush is the wrong guy). But the story, "Mathematicians Offer Help in the War on Terra," goes on to report that nerds are offering to come to our rescue. Regular readers will note that I long ago advocated enlisting nerds in the war on terra. I know there are a lot of Americans who think we can just beat the shit out of the terrorists because it's worked so well for us in past wars. But this is a different war and I say we go with the nerds this time around. Which in many ways is what this election boils down to: brains vs. brawn. So, undecided voter, are you still listening? If you believe brains is the better way to fight terra, vote for John Kerry. On the other hand, if you believe brawn is the better way to fight terra, vote for John Kerry. Because, you know, he's the one who actually fought in a war. Plus, as everybody knows by now, he's a gun totin' ass-kickin', lean, mean, liberal, goose-and-terrorist-killin' machine! Woo-hoo! Pow! Pow! Pow!

Now, get out there tomorrow, vote for Kerry, and then get busy enjoying the living hell out of this election being OVER!