Monday, July 17, 2006

Table of Contents
...slightly wizened, sort of like Steve Martin, if Steve Martin had Neil Young's unhinged eyes...

A 6.2 Richter fucksicle from an angry deity.

The Britches Debate
Louisville's britches: relaxed fit?

Keep Max & Erma's Weird
And pick up some tchotchkes at the Party Barn.

Fatigue Fatigue
Even ones I don't know about yet

Please Read My Sister's Book
How else can you interpret it literally?

When I Did in Kroger
Mesmerism among the canned goods
When the oil's all gone: the embryo-burning engine

Have I Reached the Party to Whom I am Speaking?
Caller ID is da shniznit

Oh, let's go car shopping, shall we?

Water you talkin' 'bout, Willis?

If it doesn't fit... oh, just cram that religion up your superstitious ass, muthafucka.

How to Write a Best-selling Novel
You can never go wrong with explosions.

That Sylvia Poggioli sure has a keen sense of suffering-induced redemption.

Whack A Muslim For Jesus!

Mock Scoot
Auf wiedersehen's mildly retarded little brother

E-mails I Didn't Receive
Musta Got Stuck in the Spam Filter.

My Speech to the Rotary Club
Let's Keep our Crap to Ourselves, OK People?

Who's More Liberal?
America's 923rd Favorite Game Show!

It's Too Bad I'm Not As Moral As Tim In HR
Tim is one moral son of a bitch.

Kentucky in Contention for Most-Redneck-State Status
Our racists are angrier and more closed-minded than your racists!

Kerry! Kerry! Pow! Pow! Pow!
The Senator from Massachusetts is one goose-killing muthafucka.

NRA, PETA to Merge
Can't we all just get along?

Can I Really Be Falling In Love With A Chick Who's Into Journey?
How I learned to get over differences in musical taste (and leather pants).

A Handy Voting Worksheet For Undecided Christians
How would Jesus H. Christ vote?

Arresting Art
Louisville solves its graffiti problem, once and for all.

Fox News: Come for the Forecast, Stay for the Fascism
In Iraq, skies are mostly sunny with a 100% chance of democracy and freedom.

Vacation Rules
1. Go camping. 2. Change your legal name to Piss Off. Etc.

Ask a Religious Dude
A prestigious religious panel answers your questions about spirituality.

Beeting Pain
Step on a crae and you'll cause your mother to suffer compression fractures in her vertebrae.

The Meeting I Missed
In which Wanky McWanker and the Wanking Wankers of Wankitude perform for your entertainment

More albums for Ben, plus the God Dome's Seven Deadly Sins

Suburban Dining: Come See What All the Fuss is About!
Oh my God! These chicken fingers are inCREDible! Mmmm-MMM!

Going Down
Get your mind out of the gutter. It's about an elevator ride.

Essential Jams: The Readers Write
Some good music and some bad

Cookin' with Oh, For God's Sake!
My favorite soup, Pho kin' a

At, not With
Chronicling the unintentionally funny

More hamstrung than a Baptist virginity-pledge teen at a spring break Aqualube orgy

Revitalize! Detangle! Laminate! Oh, my.

Good News
More optimism than you can shake a bucket of vomit at

George Rogers Clark Owes Me 3 & a Half Cents
May that frontier tightwad scalawag's stump rot in hell.

A Win Win Win Situation
Oh, let's go shopping for consumer electronics, shall we?

Reader Poll: Essential Jams
And a can of musical worms is opened.

The Oh, For God's Sake Quiz
USDA seeks WMD in SUV at the DMV.

Six and a Half Billion O'Clock - Time For a New Slogan
Too many people, people!

Spel Like A Spamer
Foiling the spam filter: Remember, there's no I in masturbate.

Do Nothing and Go to Hell
If it's on a church sign it must be true

I Think I'm Going to Warm Up this Slice of Pizza in the Microwave
Then again, maybe not

America Is Straight Up The Bomb, True That.

The Only Absolute: No Absolutes
Those republicans sure are some greedy, hateful bastards, huh?

I'm Straight and I'm Great!
We can't all be gay, now, can we?

Going Back to Work: Some Helpful Pointers
Are your expectations low enough?

Oh, For Nothingness' Sake!
Gravity is a Bitch: The Wile E. Coyote Story as told by Mel Gibson

Places I will never go unless dragged by rabid wolverines

Charlton Heston's Chicken-Fried, Whale-Nuking, Corporate Ballsack of Values
Fun with Google ads

The Unabroaster Manifesto
Smashing the terrorists with our Tivos

Sixth Grade is a Pain in the Ass
Shutup, hardon!

If You Read This, The Terrorists Win
Let's roll (into the fetal position)!

No Vampire Jokes, Please
The Welps visit Transylvania University and contemplate the Kissing Tree

Ben Visits UK
A PowerPoint, a little shooting, a little dancing, a scone and a nooner.

Liberal pussy contemplates move; capitalism, democracy, blah, blah, blah

The Oh, For God's Sake Quiz:
Where's the Beef?

Junior Birdman
America's plan to put a Wal-Mart on the moon

S U Voila
Big Oil: lube up!

(Sorta) Public Radio
Why it's morally imperative to steal NPR

Cows: Angry or Barmy?
I say, is it my imagination or are those cows positively mad?

But Seriously
Book page pretension pisses off a writer and jumpstarts a blog