The Oh, For God's Sake Quiz
USDA seeks WMD in SUV at the DMV
OK, kids, sharpen up your number 2 pencils - it's time for another Oh, For God's Sake Quiz!
1. Which of the following search phrases generated the most results in a recent Google search?
A) tantra pope xanax
B) they misunderestimated me
C) someone shaved my wife tonight
D) Mr. T ate my balls
E) naked lunchlady karaoke
2. A teenager was recently arrested in Clearwater, Florida, for using a slingshot to shatter office windows on which a mysterious shape had appeared. Experts said the windows had been damaged by corrosion but thousands of people believed the windows displayed what sacred image?
A) The Disney logo
B) David Beckham's penis
C) A US one dollar bill
D) The Virgin Mary's veiled head
3. True False: The US Department of Agriculture recently prohibited a Kentucky farm from testing its cattle for mad cow disease.
4. True or false: On October 7, 2002, Mary and I sent letters to US Representative Ken Lucas and US Senators Jim Bunning and Mitch McConnell respectfully opposing an Iraq war on the grounds that containing Saddam was far preferable to inspiring a new generation of terrorists. The letters concluded, "Attacking Iraq would be a disaster for America. It would also be a disaster for Iraq and the innocent Iraqi citizens whose casualties would surely be high. And it would be a disaster for future generations of Americans, who would have to deal with the fallout for decades to come. We beg you; please oppose military action in Iraq."
5. Despite our polite and diplomatic tenor, we saved the letter addressed to McConnell on our computer under which file name?
6. According to a Harris poll conducted last year, 27% of non-Christian Americans believe:
A) Elvis is alive
B) Heaven is attainable for them
C) In the Virgin birth of Jesus Christ
D) "Transubstantiation" is an automotive term
7. True or false: On November 1, 2002, Senator Jim Bunning wrote back thanking us for our letter and respectfully said, among other things, "No one wants war, and I hope the United States and our allies can address the menace of Saddam in the most diplomatic manner possible. But in the end, if he does not unconditionally reveal and surrender control of his weapons of mass murder and destruction, then we must realize that it is pointless to negotiate with a madman. And if our president determines United States military force is the last resort to secure your freedoms and mine, then I will fully support our Commander-in-Chief's efforts to protect our Republic and her people."
8. By "madman," Senator Bunning meant:
A) Happy Chandler
B) George W. Bush
C) That guy who looks like Saddam's son and is running for some office or other
D) The nice lady who brings him his medicine
E) It is impossible to tell from the evidence
9. If God decided to kill all the world's Christians by poisoning them with a bad batch of TGI Friday's Lite Peppercorn Ranch salad dressing and Allah decided to kill all the world's Muslims by poisoning them with a bad batch of Sultan's Delight's baba ganoush, which deity would have to prepare more spoiled food?
10. True or false: On December 19, 2002, Senator Mitch McConnell wrote back thanking us for our letter and respectfully said, among other things, "The attacks of September 11th clearly demonstrate that radical tyrants and terrorists throughout the world seek to harm innocent Americans. Not coincidentally, the nations that most actively support, supply, and harbor these terrorists are also the most dedicated developers of chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons. Foremost among theses rogue nations is Iraq, which continues to develop a wide variety of weapons of mass destruction (WMD)... Unless tyrants like Hussein are disarmed, deterred, or destroyed, the use of WMD against the Unties States or our allies is not a question of if, but of when. ... Please be assured that President Bush has acted and will continue to act with the utmost caution and prudence, at all times balancing the need for circumspection with the need for national security."
11. According to a Harris poll, 2% of Americans believe that when they die they will go to:
A) The all-you-can-eat seafood and salad bar at Shoney's
C) The Department of Motor Vehicles
12. When Senator McConnell said, " Foremost among theses rogue nations is Iraq, which continues to develop a wide variety of weapons of mass destruction..." and "Unless tyrants like Hussein are disarmed, deterred, or destroyed, the use of WMD against the Unties States or our allies is not a question of if, but of when..." he was:
B) Repeating a lie he believed to be true
C) "Riding the Lewinski Train to Blowjobville"
D) Trying to scare the shit out of us so we would support the war
13. True or false: Democratic Rep. Ken Lucas completely blew us off.
14. True or false: Upon complementing its traditional industries of bourbon and cigarettes with a firearms museum, the city of Louisville recently announced plans to formally change its name to The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
15. Now that the war in Iraq has indeed been a complete disaster, Ken Lucas, Mitch McConnell and Jim Bunning blame:
B) The Commander-in-Chief
C) Ryan Seacrest
D) The Massachusetts Supreme Court
E) None of the above
16. Opinions are like:
A) SUVs: Everybody's got one and yours is the only one that's not offensive
B) Oral sex: They're what distinguish us from the animals
C) Religion: Heartfelt to the point of lunacy
D) Your co-workers: A little dumber and less attractive than you'd like
1 (B). Here's what Google found: tantra pope xanax (3), they misunderestimated me (3490), someone shaved my wife tonight (79), mr. t ate my balls (979), naked lunchlady karaoke (21).
3. True. Our government forbids mad cow testing. It reasoned that if Campbellsburg, Kentucky's Creekstone Farm tested its cattle, it would create the impression that beef from other farms was not safe. The USDA threatened to jail the farmer if he tested his cattle.
9. God would have to whip up more salad dressing. There are approximately 2 billion Christians in the world and approximately 1.2 billion Muslims. Given current population projections, Islam will surpass Christianity around 2025 as the world's largest religion. Depending, of course, on what God and Allah decide.
12. (D) for sure and probably (B).