Monday, July 12, 2004


Dear Oh, For God's Sake,

Regarding the recent quiz item comparing the culinary output of God and Allah, aren't they one and the same? Jews, Christians and Muslims all worship the same God, they just fight about who has the best messenger. It's kinda like arguing over whether CNN or Fox is better. The news is all the same, but you can choose which channel will cram it down your throat. Anyway, I think He's smart enough to come up with one cross-denominational foodstuff for all His followers. Maybe something with lamb for Mohammed's team, but supersized to attract Jesus' crew.



Dear Scott,

That is a widespread misconception. God and Allah are actually two distinct gods, who maintain a competitive veneer but are in fact quite close buddies, getting together for mojitos after work and occasionally vacationing together in Morocco or Vegas. People often mistakenly believe there is only one of them because they look so much alike. Despite their influence, both are subservient to more powerful gods, including Television and Money.


Oh, For God's Sake


Dear Oh, For God's Sake,

Since Bush has Kentucky in the bag, will you vote for Ralph Nader?

--Ronald Prescott, III

Dear Ronald,

I had a dream the other night that Bush lost the election again but that the Supreme Court gave it to him again and in my dream I started planning to move to another country but the Web was clogged with Americans researching other countries too and we all decided instead to form our own country called Liberalica and so we did and everything was going great and we were all enjoying fair laws and affordable health care and a leg-up for the poor and freedom of speech and regulation of industry and environmental stewardship and quality public education and freedom from economic oppression and equal rights for all and freedom both of and from religion and successful small businesses who had a chance against the giant corporations and freedom of choice and sensible gun laws and clean air and clean water and free beer (hey, it was a dream, OK?) and it was all going really, really well until Bush decided to liberate us by killing us and that's when I woke up in a cold sweat and remembered hey, it's still several months until the election and I am going to vote for John Kerry.

But I did vote for Nader in the last election (hey, are you rolling your eyes with me or at me?) but I only did it because I knew Bush was going to win Kentucky in a landslide, so it was a protest vote. And in Kentucky, choosing between a Demlican and a Republicrat usually means choosing between a right-wing conservative and a really, really, really right-wing conservative, both of whom just want to argue about who hates homosexuals more. By voting for Nader I was saying these two parties both suck so I'm not participating in the whole Republicrat thing and if we're ever going to get away from this huge problem, we're going to need a third party to do it and what the hell, Ralph has some good ideas (plus I got an icky feeling when Al gave Tipper that tongue bath at the convention). But that was back before it all went to hell. That was back before this administration stole the election and revoked personal freedoms and lied to the country so it would support a war and outted a CIA agent and killed, killed, killed, killed in a display so bloodthirsty that wolves and sharks and lions everywhere are probably going, Jesus Christ, George, you're giving me a stomachache over here, knock it off with the goddamn bloodletting, already, willya? That was back when we were worried about quaint shit like the dot-com bubble bursting and layoffs and the greedy health-insurance companies and social security's solvency. Remember those heady days? Seems like a million years ago, doesn't it? That was back when we were cocky enough to want a third party, whereas nowadays we'd gladly settle for a president who simply won't ruin the world in America's name.

But here's the thing: I like John Kerry. It's not just that I'm going to vote against Bush (although I will savor the living hell out of voting against Bush). Kerry's about restoring jobs and rebuilding the economy and making some sense out of Iraq and access to affordable health care and defending America and fixing Bush's education mess and a greener America and a principled foreign policy and making college affordable. What's not to like?

And is it just me or are the Republicans really struggling to find something bad about Kerry that the people don't see through? He's stiff? He waffles? He's too liberal? Is that all they got? He's not stiff: he's articulate. That's something Americans aren't accustomed to the past four years, so it sounds a little funny to the ears. Trust me, we'll get used to it. He's not a waffler: he's a thinking man. He carefully examines issues and understands that this is a big, ol' goofy country with a whole lot of different viewpoints to consider. That is also known as thoughtful leadership. He's too liberal? He's actually quite conservative on the war and gay marriage and other issues, but hey, nobody's perfect. Besides, even if we actually ever elected a truly liberal president and congress, it would take at least eight years to back this train far enough out of Right-wing-ville to even be able to spot a centrist government from here.

OK, I'm not delusional. I know things have gotten so ugly that no matter who wins, the nation will be harder to reunite than Charles and Diana. (Sorry. Too callous? How about OJ and Nicole? Still too much? OK, OK, Ben and J-Lo. Ya happy?) And I know that the Republicans will make sure Kerry's policies are more hamstrung than a Baptist virginity-pledge teen at a spring break Aqualube orgy -- what, again? Geez, you people. OK, more hamstrung than Ken Griffey with a new contract -- (see Clinton, Bill: health care reform). And that Kerry will have to sell his soul to get consensus (see Clinton, Bill: welfare reform; etc.). Uh, what was the question again? Oh, yeah. Nader.

Look, this is serious shit. This is no time for fooling around. I'm voting for the winner: President John Kerry. Won't you join me? He's going to win. And who knows, he might even take Kentucky.

And then after he wins I'll start complaining about him. Because, you know, that's my job.


Oh, For God's Sake

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