Ask a Religious Dude
As a public service, Oh, For God's Sake occasionally invites a select panel of spiritual leaders to answer your questions. Today's panel includes Potala Jokhang, Adgad Das, Fr. Fintan Hooper, Rabbi Moshe Veitchik, Sayed al-Muaffad, Rev. Bobby Cottengin, and Minister K. Swakayalimumisevak.

Q. Do these pants make my butt look big?

A. In your quest for enlightenment, you must first open you heart. You should strive always to foster loving kindness toward all sentient beings. If you cannot do good, then you must endeavor to do no harm. If you take this approach in all you do, your path will open up and your question will be answered.

Q. My '94 Dodge Ram makes a strange whirring sound when I drive faster than 50 mph. I adjusted the timing and removed a dead chipmunk from the exhaust pipe but it still whirs. I've taken it to several mechanics and they insist there's nothing wrong. Is it OK to spank my kids?

A. In order to discover whence you came and whither you go, you must explore the footsteps of your own evolving soul. God has a divine plan for you and it is to spend eternity in heaven with Him.

Q. Recently, my home was attacked by rock-throwing thugs from another neighborhood. I couldn't find the culprits, so I beat the shit out of this guy down the street instead. It seemed like the right thing to do because he once threatened my dad. What kind of reel do you prefer for largemouth bass?

A. My son, please kneel with me. Take out your rosary and pray, taking care to pay attention to each Hail Mary, each Our Father and each Glory Be. The Lord loves you and you must love God and all God's creatures. Go in peace and serve the Lord.

Q. My boyfriend likes to be strangled during sex. Should I upgrade to Windows XP?

A. You must serve only God. And stay away from the pork.

Q. Is it safe to use my compost to fertilize my vegetable garden if the neighbor's cat pooped in it?

A. In all things, you must respect your parents and your elders, be kind to animals and all human beings, and do your daily tasks to the best of your ability. You must perform all of these actions in obedience to Allah, and pray five times per day.

Q. I think my wife is cheating on me. She's routinely late coming home from work; whenever I answer the phone, the caller hangs up; and she's lost all interest in sex. Does my breath smell like cigarettes?

A. In order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you must accept Christ as your personal savior.

Q. How come nobody ever eats the leftover corn muffins?

A. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

Q. Like many men my age, my hair is thinning. To compensate, should I buy a boat, a sports coupe, or an Asian massage?

A. The source of happiness is within yourself.

Q. My husband recently commented that I remind him of my mother. Can you discuss the pros and cons of burial vs. cremation?

A. Eventually, you can escape samsara and achieve enlightenment, but only through good deeds and acts of purity can you be reborn at a higher level. Through bad deeds you will be reborn as a lower level or even as an animal.

Q. There's this chick at work who's totally hot but I'm not sure she's into dudes. Do you think the Roth IRA is a good investment option for me?

A. You are made of your father, your mother, and G-d. It is G-d who gave you your personality, your intelligence, and your soul. Remember always that you are created in G-d's image.

Q. Even though my health insurance is costing me a fortune, my insurance company has denied my last three claims. How much time is too much time to spend masturbating to Internet porn?

A. In Jesus Christ will you discover the divine source of wisdom and love.

Q. I gave up a lucrative career in the private sector to become a public servant. Sure, I still make a ton of money on the side by funneling public projects to my old company but I feel dissatisfied. I have to make all the decisions while my boss gets all the credit. Is Lipitor right for me?

A. With awareness comes power and understanding. It is within you to change the perception that your circumstances are predestined. To begin your healing, pay special attention to your heart chakra.

Q. Should I give homosexuality a try?

A. Lord Krishna is without beginning, the origin of all, the cause of all causes and the source of the eternal Vedas.

Q. Yeah, can I get a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, a Biggie Fry, and a large Frosty?

A. Be patient, for surely Allah does not waste the reward of the good-doers.

Q. Between the kids, my job, my volunteer work, and my post as captain on my amateur progressive-farting team, I can never seem to get a decent night's sleep. Is it true that the Pillsbury Doughboy is really a woman?

A. And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.

Q. Man, isn't duct tape just fuckin' amazing? Sometimes I think I can do anything with duct tape. Just this week, I patched the hole in my Darrell Waltrip official coffee travel mug, made a new shower curtain, and put a new grip on my 357 Smith & Wesson. I mean, is there anything this shit CAN'T do?

A. As Lucifer was overcome in heaven by the blood of the lamb, so will the blood of the lamb on earth overcome him.

Q. I'm parched. May I have some Evian?

A. NO COVETING! And stop calling me Evian.

Send your questions about spirituality to Ask a Religious Dude, c/o Oh, For God's Sake!