Monday, October 11, 2004

A Handy Voting Worksheet For Undecided Christians
Attention followers of Jesus Christ! Trying to decide how to vote in the upcoming presidential election? Maybe you like John Kerry but have been told that Jesus is a Republican. Or maybe you like George W. Bush but you're worried about that pesky war and how he hates the poor and people of different faiths. To help you decide, here's a handy worksheet, courtesy of your friends here at Oh, For God's Sake! Just answer these 17 easy questions to find out which candidate deserves your vote.

1. Do you believe God prefers one candidate to another? If so, please continue to question 2. If not, please skip to question 8.

2. Do you believe God wants you to vote for George Bush because John Kerry is pro-choice? If so, please continue to question 3. If not, please proceed to question 8.

3. George Bush ran on a "pro-life" platform in 2000, yet abortion is still legal. Do you believe God therefore wants you to vote for John Kerry? If so, vote for John Kerry. If not, please continue to question 4.

4. Despite Republican control of the White House, Congress, the Supreme Court, most state governorships, AM radio and many major news outlets, America is still pro-choice. In fact, it kinda seems like the Republicans are full of shit about abortion. Could they be lying about abortion just to get your vote? Does God therefore want you to vote for John Kerry? If you agree, vote for John Kerry. If you disagree, please continue to question 5.

5. True or false: If abortion is outlawed, only outlaws will have abortions. If you agree, vote for John Kerry. If you disagree, please proceed to question 6.

6. Imagine this scenario: You're God. You're having some friends from the office over for Thanksgiving dinner. Allah's there; Yahweh too. Vishnu came late and insisted on Tofurkey (geez, it's always something with that guy). Halfway through the meal, Jesus comes in looking a little rough. (He's still in his missing years.) At the table, he blurts out that when he was following Phish around the country last summer, he got in some trouble outside Detroit when some gangbangers slipped him some crystal meth and he got totally jacked and ended up getting this girl pregnant. Turns out she's only 16, mildly retarded and addicted to crack and if he doesn't pony up abortion money, her mom's going to the Enquirer, stat. Do you quietly take him aside and slip him some Benjamins in exchange for making himself scarce? If so, vote for John Kerry. If not, proceed to question 7.

7. Abortion continues to be legal no matter who's president but as many as 15,000 people have died gruesome deaths in Iraq because of a war fought based upon false information from George W. Bush. Do you think God therefore wants you to vote for John Kerry? If yes, vote for John Kerry. If no, please continue to question 8.

8. Do you believe it matters whether you follow the example set by Jesus Christ when you vote for president of the United States? If not, skip to question 12. If yes, continue to question 9.

9. When Jesus Christ said, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brethren, that you do unto me," do you think he meant all people, even brown people and homosexuals? If yes, vote for John Kerry. If no, continue to question 10.

10. Imagine this scenario: You're Jesus. You decide to take a little holiday, so you IM Mohammed and the two of you agree to jet off to the Bay Area to take in the night life. In San Francisco, you and the Big M grab some sashimi at Kyo-Ya and catch The Lion King at the Orpheum and you're really having a great vacation but something keeps nagging at you: What is the deal with all these homeless people? They seem to be everywhere and the whole city quite frankly smells a little like pee. So back at the Ritz you fire up your iBook and you google "homeless" and you keep Mohammed up all night obsessing about what you learn: that 850,000 Americans are homeless every night in the US; that 45 million people in the US have no health insurance; that since Bush took office in 2001, 4.3 million people have fallen below the poverty line; that 35.9 million -- or 12.5% of the population -- live in poverty; and that George W. Bush spent $150 billion (and climbing, with no end in sight) on the war in Iraq, while cutting taxes for the richest Americans. You look at your bracelet and ask yourself, "What Would I Do?" If your answer is "vote for John Kerry," vote for John Kerry. If it is not, proceed to question 11.

11. When Jesus said, "My house will be called a house of prayer, but you're turning it into a gathering place for thieves," do you think he meant Southeast Christian Church? If so, vote for John Kerry . If not, continue to question 12.

12. Are you worried that if gay marriage were legalized, people of your own gender might seem more attractive to you? If not, vote for John Kerry. If so, proceed to question 13.

13. Do you think the Commandment "Thou shall not kill" applies to the death penalty? If so, vote for John Kerry. If not, continue to question 14.

14. Imagine this scenario: That cute little kid down the street wants to know why it's wrong to borrow his dad's .357 and waste that pain-in-the-ass Jeremy Hamilton in his third-period social studies class, when it's not wrong for the government to execute prisoners or wage a preemptive war on false pretenses in which thousands die. If you can look that kid in the eye and mumble something about a dangerous world and Merrican freedom and democracy, proceed to question 15. If you cannot, vote for John Kerry.

15. Do you believe that one of the greatest problems facing this nation is that its richest people are not rich enough? If you do, continue to question 16. If not, vote for John Kerry.

16. Do you know anybody who suffers from Parkinson's or Alzheimer's or is gay or is a male of draft age or has ever used a condom? If so, vote for John Kerry. If not, proceed to question 17.

17. Think about Jesus' lesson to love our enemies. Now, conjure an image of George W. Bush. What is your reaction? If you laugh out loud, vote for John Kerry. If you weep inconsolably, vote for John Kerry. If you do neither, proceed to question 1.

The issues in this year's presidential election are complex. But one thing's for certain: God is going to damn millions of Americans to hell for voting for the wrong candidate. We here at Oh, For God's Sake! would hate to see that happen to you. Please tell all the Christians you know about this convenient worksheet so they, too, may avoid eternal hellfire!

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