E-mails I Didn't Receive

From: jpii@thevatican
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: birth control

Ya know, I've always had doubts about our stance on birth control. It's just that it's hard to change horses in mid-stream, ya know? But -- shit -- you're right. I mean it IS the age of AIDS and all. Not to mention other STDs, teen pregnancy, overpopulation, third-world mores, the earth's dwindling resources, human drives, etc. I might be a hundred and eighty years old, but I can remember the urge to shtup. Frankly, we're on the wrong side of this one. Abstinence is, like, SO 500 years ago. Since reading OFGS, birth control does seem like a wondrous gift from God. We should also let priests and nuns get 'em some of the nasty. They needs ta be straight-up fuzizzlin', knowudam sayin? Get out da jack shack and lay off da bois, f'shizzle. I'll get on it soon, I promise. Right after my nap. God bless. -- Karol

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From: potus@whitehouse
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: Funny Boy

Oh, For God's Sake: I think I'm gonna call you "Funny Boy." You sure crack me up with all that bloggin'. "I ♥ Taxes." Heh-heh. You kill me, mister. I misunderestimated you. Oh, and I checked and you're right. The border between Afghanistan and Pakistan isn't in Iraq after all! I'm a little upset with Dick. Anyway, we're gonna get outta Iraq and refocus on the terrorists, pronto, like you suggesterrated. No drilling in Alaska, either, I promise. (Not unless Clinton's there, if you catch my drift. Heh heh.) Want me to get Rupert to promote your blog? You'll think twice about those tax cuts then, Funny Boy. OK, gotta run. It's prayer time! See ya, George.

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From: mitch@yahoo
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: rednecks

You're right: I really am a jackass for getting in bed with all those evangelicals and rednecks. Truth is, I'm smart as a whip (ha ha, get it?) and I could give a holy fuckall about abortion or gay marriage or stem cells. Aren't I a stinker? OK, what'll it take to get your vote in '08? Want me to make Ernie eat a booger on C-SPAN? Because I'll do it. Oh, I'll do it. Just watch me. --Mitch

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From: fast_guys@nascar
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: Thanks

At first we wondered why you kept picking on us. After all, we just like to drive fast in circles. And millions of people like to watch, so where's the harm? But then we thought about it some more and realized how silly it all is. Machines. Going fast. In circles. People just watching to see a bad crash. Because tangled metal and blood reach the human soul in a fundamental way. We feel a little silly now. So we're going to quit. Thanks for your insight. Oh, is figure skating OK? Because that seems pretty silly too.

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From: gun_nutz@nra
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: Guns Not People

Whoa. You're right: Guns DO kill people! Sorry. We'll disperse now.

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From: evangelicals@southernbaptists
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: something warm to come to

Stand by your man, give him two arms to cling to and something warm to come to when nights are cold and lonely. Stand by your man and tell the world you love him, keep giving all the love you can. Stand by your man.

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From: RacistWhiteTrash@Rednecks.com
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: Our bad

Thanks to your thoughtful and constructive criticism, we've seen the error of our ways. We're going to stop voting against our own economic interests, stop hating others, and knock off all the pow, pow, pow. Hell, we'll even get to know some people of color and drink a nice pinot noir once in awhile. Maybe take a class at the community college. Stop fucking our cousins. That sort of thing. Thanks for showing us the light!

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From: rockers@golden_earring.com
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: We're really terrible

God, you're right -- we suck! We hate us.

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From: entire_staff@ocharleys
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: We second that emotion

We agree. We hate us too. For what it's worth, we also hate Golden Earring.

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From: evangelicals@southernbaptists
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: all the old, familiar places

I’ll be seeing you in every lovely summer’s day and everything that’s bright and gay. I’ll always think of you that way. I’ll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new I’ll be looking at the moon but I’ll be seeing you. I’ll be seeing you in all the old, familiar places that this heart of mine embraces all day through.

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From: asshole_retailers@themall
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: We'll do better!

Until we read Oh, For God's Sake, we didn't realize just how stupid our policies are. Especially rebates. How insulting of us to sell you something at an inflated price, only to make you jump through a bunch of hoops to get your own money back. We're going to stop that immediately! We'll also put a bookstore back in the mall, quit marketing tawdry, slutty clothes to young girls, and knock off all the perfume spritzing. Oh, and UK Basketball Christmas ornaments? Gone. Sorry about all that. Come back soon! -- The Mall

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From: evangelicals@southernbaptists
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: You can do whatever you feel

Young man, there's a place you can go. I said, young man, when you're short on your dough. You can stay there and I'm sure you will find many ways to have a good time. It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A. It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A. They have everything for young men to enjoy, you can hang out with all the boys. It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A. It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A. You can get yourself cleaned, you can have a good meal, You can do whatever you feel.

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From: shitty_chain_restaurants@the_suburbs
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: No More Fangos!

You are SO right about the bacon cheeseburgers and the Caesar salads and the fuckin' chicken fingers. Look, when we started out, we thought that shit would never get old. And we had no idea people would get so fat so quickly. E. While we've got you, can we get some shit off our chests? Selling all that meat as "healthy" is wrong. And our salad dressings have, like, 50 fat grams. And -- who are we kidding -- nobody needs that many fries. We're really evil to the core, selling food that doesn't taste good, is unhealthy, too expensive, AND nationwide. God, why does everything have to be exactly the same wherever you go?! Why? It's driving us mad! MAD! We're definitely going to knock it off. We're going to take down all our stupid stores and replace them with green spaces and playgrounds and even rebuild some small farms. It's the least we can do, considering. Thanks for setting us straight.

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From: dick@whitehouse
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: You're right

I really have been an ugly, mean, slimy, hypocrite. I'm going to divert all Halliburton proceeds from now on to veterans' hospitals and environmental groups and gay rights organizations. And all of my oil holdings are going to the Iraqi people. And I promise to wipe that stupid sneer off my face when I'm on TV. I'd hand over the reins to George, but I don't think any of us want that. But I'll be good from now on, I promise!

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From: Holier_Than_Thous@SoutheastChristianChurch
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: billboards

We were driving down Bardstown Road the other day and we spied one of our billboards claiming to know how God defines marriage -- you know, the one with the pregnant woman? -- and suddenly it hit us: What does pregnancy have to do with it? What about heterosexual couples that don't have kids or who adopt? Are their marriages invalid also? What about loving, spiritual gay couples who adopt kids and love them and raise them to be good people and lift them up out of poverty and give them good homes and provide a great model of caring, respect and dignity? It was then that we realized all our views were suspect. Everything we held dear came tumbling down like a house of cards. (Well, actually, it was like a giant, offensive mega-stadium of cards out by the interstate, but you know what we mean.) So we're tearing it all down -- the billboards, the jumbo-tron, the bleachers, the 75-acre parking lot, and the massive "church" and we're advising our zealots to go outside, take a walk in the woods, love everybody, stop judging, interpret the bible figuratively, stop discriminating, support fairness, and have sex any way that feels right. And a lot of it. (We're overdue.) We thought you should know.

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From: god@heaven
To: LessCynicalInPerson
Subject: monotheism

Of course I don't exist. I mean, c'mon. I was invented by some bored assholes who wanted to keep their women and children in line and score some fast cash and justify their slave ownership and love of war. What a concept! God almighty! Oh, for My sake! Of course I don't exist. Geez... Or DO I? Dun dun DUN. Muahahahahaha. I kill Me. --God