Monday, October 10, 2005

That downtown arena is going to solve all my problems!

I am so totally stoked about the downtown arena. It's going to solve all of my problems.

Lately, I've been kind of down in the dumps. What with the devastation in New Orleans, the steady stream of bad news out of Iraq, and the sluggish third-quarter GNP, I guess I've been sort of blue. But if they build that downtown arena, things are really going to change for me.

Everybody knows a city can't be important without a downtown basketball arena. It will make me so proud to know that complete strangers on their way from Chicago to Atlanta on the interstate will see that we Louisvillians can watch hoops with the best of them. And it'll keep the momentum going downtown, where chain concept restaurants are sprouting up faster than you can say TG, it's Friday! Fun!

Heck, it'll be great for all of us! An arena is the kind of thing that really takes your mind off of being unemployed or homeless or uninsured or hungry or illiterate or morbidly obese or comically fugly or bad at physics or terrified of getting out of bed in the morning, so I think it will be really invigorating for all of us here in Louisville.

Some people say Freedom Hall is a perfectly good arena and we should spend our money on other things like Medicare or education or roads or conscience-implant surgery for Sen. Dan Seum (R – Pluto). But I say aaaaaaaaannnt. Thirty-second timeout. Freedom Hall is as quaintly outdated as truth in advertising or social justice! With its antiquated luxury boxes and raucous student section, it's getting to the point where millionaire power brokers can barely make the cutthroat fast-food, whiskey, gambling, and health-insurance deals necessary to keep this town's heart beating (then stopping, then beating again).

Many people take for granted how our delicate corporate system just keeps on giving. But think about it: Our hard working citizens, buttressed by luxury-skybox-negotiated pacts, breathe life everyday into the corporate cornucopia of capitalist consumerism, with delicacies like Southern Comfort, Marlboro Lights, Extra Crispy Chicken Buckets, Meat-in-the-Crust Bacon Pepperoni cheesy gorditas, Texas Hold Ems and Pick Sixes. Consumers then consume those items. Soon after, they need medical care. Our hospitals provide it; our insurance companies make a cut on the action (and in the process fund a new oboe for the orchestra); and everybody goes home happy and consumes more goods. It's the circle of Louisville life. Without luxury skyboxes in the new arena, where would we be?

Another one of my problems is attention deficit disord… Hey, they're playing the new My Morning Jacket on the radio! I think it would be totally cool if MMJ rocked Louisville again. I bet that will happen all the time once we have our new arena. It'll be great for smaller venues, too, once the trickle-down effect kicks in.

OK, so here's how I see this arena thing playing out. Once the Cards, the horse shows, the tractor pulls, the illegal gun swaps, and the country stars move to the new arena, that'll free up Freedom Hall. And now that Jesus' spirit of reconciliation, nonviolence, and abhorrence of poverty is sweeping the nation, it's bound to be only a matter of time before one of our mega-churches outgrows its current space. So, they could take over Freedom Hall, leaving their current church available for larger concerts, such as Ozzfest or Fiddy & Eminem's Anger Management Tour. And MMJ can, like, warm somebody up. Dave! Wooooot! Dave!

Then, we'll want to have extra space available in the event of another natural disaster like Katrina, so we should go ahead and build two arenas. How cool would that be? One downtown, and another one inSIDE the one downtown! But that's probably too expensive. I guess you can't have your Hummer and drive it too.

So no, one arena, that's cool. No sense in getting greedy. OK, so let's recap: 1) A new arena downtown for the Cards, the ammo-maniacs, and the country fans. 2) Move the Goddome people to Freedom Hall where there's more room to be elbowier-than-thou. That'll 3) Free up the Goddome for Fiddy Cent. And the big Dave/MMJ show! Woooooot! Sweet!

Yes, The new arena will be another step in the thrilling revitalization going on in Louisville. Our great city is alive with a spirit of renewal and excitement not seen since George Rogers Clark opened the first McVictuals Good Time restaurant/cock-fighting saloon in Beargrass Creek Live! back in '09.

No doubt about it, that downtown arena is going to totally solve all of my problems!


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