Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Ideas for Kentucky
The Kentucky Chamber of Commerce is soliciting citizen input on ideas for Kentucky.

The mind reels...

Take the money away from basketball and give it to teachers. Raise taxes and fund higher education. Take a sledgehammer to that godawful Ten Commandments monument. Clean up Rubbertown. Give Dan Seum a nuclear wedgie. 86-64. Tell the feds no more cheap coal until they destroy the weapons of mass destruction stored in Richmond. Put David Williams in prison. Fully fund all-day kindergarten. Move state government to Louisville where there's a labor pool of non-retarded workers. Dismantle the idiotic Kentucky Chamber of Commerce citizen-input web site. Dismantle the idiotic Kentucky Chamber of Commerce. Build passenger railroads down the middle of interstates 64, 65, 71, and 75. Impose a 5% tax on everything sold at Wal-Mart and give the money to mom-and-pop merchants. Glue Dan Kelly's mouth shut. Elect legislators who aren't washed up real-estate agents and car salesmen. Raise the cigarette tax $4 per pack. Take the nuggets, tots, Cokes, Twinkies, corndogs, twizzlers, and Cool Ranch Doritos out of the school cafeterias. Put Jim Bunning in a home and give him a nice, warm blankey. Make anyone involved in mountaintop removal mining rebuild the mountains using only plastic sporks. Until they do, no more coal. Tax Southeast Christian, Highview Christian, and other megachurches and give the money to businesses and workers who've been fucked out of business and jobs because of the networking for Jesus. Give Mitch McConnell a titty twister. Every day. On TV. Legalize marijuana, dilute its potency, tax the shit out of it and sell it to all those ADHD adults. Use the proceeds to fund Head Start. Make free condoms available in every public school. Place a 100% surcharge on the sales of all Hummers and give the money to TARC. Confiscate automatic weapons, melt them down, sell them for scrap metal and give the proceeds to victims of gun violence and the police. Make it illegal to wear more than one article of UK attire at once. Stop blowing Ford, Dow, DuPont, Humana, and BAE, and start sucking off Amazon, Apple, Evergreen and Google. Outlaw big hair. Outlaw coach's shorts. Outlaw wifebeaters. Invest in some high quality, extra large turds and cram them in the pandering pieholes of everyone at WHAS radio and all local TV news stations. Confiscate all the country clubs and convert them into recreation centers for underprivileged kids. Give Ernie Fletcher a wet willie. Make him write "I am a waste, fraud, and abuse" 1000 times on the state chalkboard. Legalize gay marriage, formally apologize to all the gay people for abusing their civil rights, and save ourselves the trouble of doing it in 20 years. Give Al Mohler a chocolate swirlie. Offer Northern Kentucky to Ohio in exchange for a blowjob and lifetime Bengals tickets, then scalp the Bengals tickets and use the money to go to the movies.

Anyway, that's a start.

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