Synapse-rich assholes demand our worship
In a recent poll, I quoted Carl Sagan, who wondered what someone with twice as many neurons and synapses as we have would possibly want to say to us. To determine the answer, I asked OFGS readers to vote on it. The result? "Worship me, you consumers of infotainment!" Here's how the voting broke down:

27% Worship me, you consumers of infotainment!
13% Ain't no Jesus gonna come out the sky
13% A little lower, a little lower… ah, that's the spot, yeahhhhhh.
13% Until you can figure out how to reproduce without men, there's not a lot we can do for you.
7% Are you going to wear that?
7% Um, you do know what's in that Twinkie, right?
7% We'll just put some bleachers out in the sun and have it out on Highway 61.
0% Please stop ruining our picnic.

There were two write in votes:

"Will you run that by me one more time?" and "Why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don't you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon!"

Thank you all for voting. And now, a new poll:

Armageddon or the mall?
The History Channel recently featured a program called "Countdown to Armageddon," which included expert analysis of various ways the world might end. Asteroids might collide with Earth, "super volcanoes" could block out the sun with ash, global warming could destroy all life on our planet, or killer viruses could wipe out humanity. If you could have your choice of these disasters, would you rather die that horrible death or spend the rest of this week at the mall?