What a Week, 1/30

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Times are turbulent. Last week, the stock market fluctuated more wildly than Mitt Romney's position on abortion and, in response, the fed took a knife to interest rates like an emo kid on prom night. Sphincters clenched across Possibility City as Louisville unemployment rose to 5.4%, Ford announced more buyouts, homeowners saw home prices plummeting, the state killed its student-loan-forgiveness program, you really wanted a cigarette, and your sumpin'-sumpin' secretly worried that hooking up with you was a horrible mistake.

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But take heart, intrepid Possibility Citizen. Your gummint totally knows what to do: Shut you up with a bribe. The Criminal-in-Chief and Congress agreed on a stimulus plan that will hook tax-rebate electrodes to the economy's nipples to the tune of about $600 per person, hoping you'll hand it over to Home Depot, which will totally fix everything, in the way Ambien fixes everybody but Heath Ledger. Checks will arrive in May.

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And one Kentuckian who can use the rebate bucks is Paducah activist Heather Ryan, who mysteriously got fired from her job at a cinema after she tried to videotape Mitch McConnell awkwardly not answering her questions about the Iraq war. In a statement, McConnell didn't say, "Just because I cured cancer and saved the environment doesn't mean I'm not a dick."

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So yes, it sucks to be you, but at least when you get old and can't remember anything but the lyrics to "Anyone Else But You," maybe a nursing-home attendant will change your Depends, thanks to Kentucky Rep. Carl Rollins' House Bill 109, which would require proper staffing for nursing homes and remedy the current Cuckoo's Nest state of affairs.

World-classness:

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