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Oh, For God's Sake | Best of the Blog 2003-2006

by Jim Welp

Summary of My Discontent
by Jim Welp



Summary of My Discontent e-book
by Jim Welp

I may or may not like your Facebook status
Please be advised that my failure to click “Like” regarding your Facebook status in no way implies that I do or do not like your status. Further, please note that no technology provided by Facebook now or in the future shall be deemed to exclusively communicate my emotional approval or disapproval of your status, photo, video, comment, link, event, game mastery, drunk-post, braggadocio, verbal smackdown or public display of affection.

In the absence of my “Like” click, you may conclude one or more of the following conditions regarding my opinion of your Facebook status:

1) I have not seen your status and therefore have no opinion about it. It’s possible I was away from Facebook or your status flashed by in a flurry of posts involving Rihanna, hot yoga or the political dissent of Noam Chomsky, and therefore your status escaped my scrutiny entirely. It is further possible that I have hidden your posts and you are therefore dead to me. If this has happened, it is because you have established a history of posts that were offensive, boring, too numerous, too Jesus-y or otherwise involved Farmville, extreme right-wing politics, the cult of Apple Inc., or the television programs “American Idol,” “Dr. Who,” “Glee” or “True Blood.” Please refer to subsection (g), which details what may or may not be inferred from my clicking Facebook’s “Hide” link pursuant to your status updates. If you wish to present a past status to me for further consideration, please complete Form 27b, which is available on my blog (but note I cannot guarantee this action will result in a “Like” or, to be frank, more than a furtive eye roll).

2) I like your status but not enough to click the “Like” link. Your status is fine, but it’s not point-and-click fine.

3) I like your status, but clicking the “Like” link might inform certain other “friends” that I am currently on Facebook, which I would prefer not to announce. (Please see subsection (j), which details my social-networking introversion and/or subsection (n) as it relates to the Federal Witness Protection Program.)

4) I like your status, but clicking the “Like” link might inflame others who disagree strongly, which could ignite a Facebook shit show. (Corollary (a): I’m friends with your ex and can’t get in the middle. This also explains why nobody but your new lover and (maybe) your mom will “Like” your status for the foreseeable future.)

5) I like your status, but clicking the “Like” link might imply that we are actual friends as opposed to Facebook friends. I’d hate to click “Like” and then have you pop over for coffee. I’m just trying to save us both some embarrassment here.

6) I like your status, but it includes one or more misspellings. Note that misspelling “its” or “they’re” is an automatic deal-breaker, no matter how awesome your status.

7) I am indifferent to your status. Your status does not appeal to me but is also not worthy of active dislike. It is basically the Facebook version of Southern rock, Bud Light Lime or the 2011 efficacy of the word “meh.”

8) I find your status a direct insult to my intelligence and to the intelligence of anyone who’s achieved more than a fifth grade education. (Hint: Does your status involve emoticons, anything regarding the lunch menu at Panera or an expression of joy concerning any object that could be described using the prefix “i-” or the suffix “-bong”?)

9) I dislike your status very much indeed and hope to erase it from my memory as soon as humanly possible. (Please refer to my petition to Facebook Inc. to make available a new “Stabbing My Eyes With An Ice Pick” link to properly convey my sentiments about status updates like yours. Please also check my Info page for regular updates regarding Facebook’s restraining order relative to this petition.)

Please note that the above clarifications are intended to convey some of the possible scenarios regarding my willingness to click “Like” as it pertains to your Facebook status. As new “Like”-related scenarios become pertinent, I will update accordingly.

If you are not active on Facebook and seek info on the rules of my communication regarding other platforms, please refer to my publications “What I Retweet,” “I May or May Not Reply to Your Email” and “I Probably Didn’t Get Your Fax.”

Made ya look!

Winking at the butterfly

They say that a butterfly can flutter

its wings in Africa and affect the weather

in North America. Or that a ball rolling down a

hill a billion times would never

follow the same path. Chaos theory

they call it. Sensitive dependence

on initial conditions.

Who am I to argue? If one of my ancestors

had stayed ahammock that one day

instead of wandering the creekbed and

stubbing his toe on a protruding root of a

baobab tree, I might be driving a

Mercedes-Benz and wearing

mother-of-pearl cufflinks today.

Any infinite ancient conditions could

have prevented the river from

bending near our home,

could have prevented the human eye from

perceiving circadian rhythms,

could have resulted in twenty-three

herbs and spices out of Colonel

Sanders’ kitchen instead of the

magical eleven.

Who knows? Water could have a flavor, the

purpose of the appendix could be

known to us, our home could be

constructed of chocolate ganache.

We could all have five elbows!

The possibilities are infinite. Anything

could have caused anything. Anything

could have prevented anything.

But nothing –

no butterfly, no baobab root, no ancient,

rolling ball – could have kept me from

finding you and nuzzling my nose

against your soft, freckled bosom.

Produce

How to play

More theme parks coming to Kentucky

2010 LEO Quiz

The Christmas Panic Hotline

A Wikipedia Christmas

Open-source chocolate

Sit back, relax and enjoy your flight

Keep laughter alive

Playing possum

I’m sorry for causing this recession

Mandatory fun

LEO Writer’s Choice 2010

Reduce your stress with these handy tips

Lawn Time Gone

A meditation on meditation

I don't say this often enough

I see dead people

How to drive women wild

Advancing the status quo

LEO: Helping Louisville get laid since 1990

Swill, Baby, Swill

The Leaked Arena Memo

First World Diary

Winter 2011 Bellarmine Magazine

Fall 2010 Bellarmine Magazine

Summer 2010 Bellarmine Magazine

Spring 2010 Bellarmine Magazine

Winter 2010 Bellarmine Magazine

Announcing "Summary of My Discontent" - The Book
Buy it today and receive a free photo of my grandfather holding a pheasant!



Summary of My Discontent -
Constructive Criticism for Discerning Americans
By Jim Welp
The Collected LEO columns, the LEO quizzes and more.
With an introduction by Stephen George.
Now available at Carmichael's Bookstore in Louisville and online here.
Paperback
156 pages
Pansy Press (2010)
$17.95
All author proceeds donated to Every 1 Reads.

Please visit Carmichael’s Bookstore on Bardstown Road or Frankfort Avenue in Louisville or online at Carmichael's Bookstore and Indie Bound.

Hell is real

Lucky in lunacy

Tea party patriots: the all-jokes edition

The people’s history

Tefillin the friendly skies

Helpful hints for modern living

A Christmas miracle

The Metrosexual Meter

War is crack

CDC bulletin: Swine Flu and You

Bicycle commuter’s survival guide

Live long and prosper

Tonight on CBS: rich man eats bug

Hiding the opposition

Readers respond: music for Laura

Essential albums for Laura

Beer and loathing in America

America is like a really nice bathroom

A banking empire is born

Casualties of technology

Viral Media

The war on stupid

Q/A with Accordion Virtuoso Todd Hildreth (PDF)

A stitch in time

Attention angry mob: Focus!

Is that a gun in your pocket?

Next up: the sacrifice speech

Going post-postal

Present traumatic stress

A dog's life

Homegrown's all right with me

Recent work

A quiz we can believe in

Shock and Ah! (pdf)

Bomb Calorimeters, Not People (pdf)

A Christmas Fable

Wii Fit diary

Outsourcing healthcare

Naming the puppy

America: New and Improved

Count your blessings

Blackout with your crack out!

Battle of the presidential sitcoms

Adventure Capital (pdf)

Where is Bobby B? (pdf)

Killing time

Sticker shock

Falls Fountain Flashback

Murketing Mitch

AutoReply

The Louisville Loop: lazy Susan of diversity
Louisville Loop photos
Oregoing Green
Buying a legacy
Turn off, tune out

Some shite for yez

SOD - Derby 2.0

Absinthe makes the heart go yonder

"True meaning of Derby" in LEO's Derby issue. (I also contributed to the 1875 fake LEO cover, but I don't think it's online.)

What a Week, April 30

+ 3
Kentucky made news in a national ranking that didn't involve obesity, smoking or basketball! In a study by the US Department of Health and Human Services, Kentucky scored among the lowest in the nation in drivers impaired by alcohol or drugs. Those hopheads in Wisconsin scored highest and those abstemious Utahans scored lowest. It's Derby week, people. Don't screw the pooch.

- 4
Just when you thought the George Bush/Mitch McConnell war economy couldn't get worse, news came of a worldwide food crisis. With some countries facing riots, local stores here saw intermittent shortages of rice and other grains, mostly due to hoarding in anticipation of higher future prices. But we have our priorities and everything's going to be swell: the legislature approved the 21,000-seat expansion of Papa J's Cardinal Stadium.

+5
A federal grant will fund a new program to help first- or second-time youth offenders avoid a life of crime. The $209,000 grant from the Project Safe Neighborhood Anti-Gang Initiative will fund the West Chestnut Street CHARACTERS program to help kids avoid making bad choices, and represents a baby step in getting away from our prison culture.

+8
Ford Motor Company promised Louisville it will replace the Explorer with a vehicle that won't totally suck ass. Rededicating its commitment to Louisville's auto workers, Ford pledged to convert the Fern Valley Road Assembly Plant into a flexible plant that can produce multiple models. Meanwhile, Metro revealed a new study identifying "retail gaps", which would help us do what we do best better: shop. [Spoiler alert: the east end is pretty much covered.] But hell, it's Derby Week, when even ugly people and IT staff can get laid, so the World-Class-Odometer has to be high, right? Right.

World-classness
12

What a Week, April 16

+5
Mayor Abramson opened the first 23-mile section of the Louisville Loop, giving townsfolk another way to get back to nature. The paved walking/biking route runs from the waterfront downtown west through Portland and Shawnee to the Farnsley-Moremen Landing and includes gorgeous canopied woods, wetlands, and a river view. The 100-mile Loop will eventually encircle the entire city.

-5
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 in favor of Kentucky's method of lethal injection, paving the way for states to resume killing people for killing people. The majority opinion ruled that Kentucky's three-drug cocktail does not constitute cruel and unusual punishment, even though similar injections in Florida and Ohio recently went awry and it's been outlawed for use on dogs. Despite the ruling, no Kentucky prisoners face imminent execution. Texas officials, however, exclaimed, "Yee-haw!"

+2
Americans idle. And that's a problem that could lead to the death of all living things and – even worse – wastes gas. So the Louisville Metro Air Pollution Control District is considering citywide restrictions on automotive idling to cut pollution, which could impact everyone from truck drivers and cops to soccer dads in the carpool line. But why wait for The Man to clamp down when you can turn your car off now?

+5.2
A 5.2 earthquake jiggled Louisville, making your Cheerios taste a little better and your job seem a little sexier and your coffee taste a little frothier and God seem somewhat plausible. At least until that 1 p.m. staff meeting sucked the joy back out of your soul, but still, not bad.

World-classness
+ 7.2

Recent morsels

Mary Welp's Crab and Mushroom Soup

Mary reviews Life Class by Pat Barker and My Brilliant Career by Miles Franklin.

Spring Bellarmine Magazine (PDF)

Summary of My Discontent
A Cry for Secession

What a Week, 4/16

-20
Fallout from the new state budget began settling on the Kentucky dystopia like a Harry Moberly White-Castle fart in a crowded movie theater. Public universities announced 9% tuition increases, the Cabinet for Health and Family Services went begging for donations and 54 public defenders got pink slips. Mental-health agency Seven Counties Services will close its southeast Louisville office, which serves 1500 people. School districts decried cuts to school safety and teacher professional development, announced increased class sizes, and warned of layoffs.

-4
Coal, that stuff that makes it possible for Gnarls Barkley to rock your iPod, took the lives of 47 miners in 2006, prompting Congress to demand more stringent safety measures. Big Coal, that stuff that makes it possible for Republicans to get elected, has naturally resisted. Two years later, many coal mines still lack a way to bring air and wireless communications to underground miners, prompting California congressmen George Miller to lash out at Elaine Chao’s Mine Safety and Health Administration, which is clearly mailing it in.

-8
Bypassing "Pope of Pollution," “Greaseball of Global Warming,” and other colorful Italian-slur-themed nicknames, The Leage of Conservation Voters chose "Don of the Dirty Dozen" to refer to Mitch McConnell in a campaign to expose the senator's horrendous environmental record. His lifetime achievement score of7% is the lowest in Congress and he won a special citation for consistently voting with Big Oil.

+5
If you’re one of thousands of Jefferson County homeowners facing foreclosure, here’s some good news: this newspaper is free! But wait, there’s more: Last week, the feds awarded an extra $1 million to The Housing Partnership to hire counselors to help people avoid the repo man. To contact a counselor, call the city’s mortgage hotline 211.

What a Week, 4/9

-10
Stupid schtupped ugly in Frankfort, resulting in a bouncy biennial budget that is both stupid and ugly. A brave citizenry clenched its collective sphincter and fretted over basketball without wondering breathlessly: Would the Senate approve the House's stingy budget or would the House settle for the Senate's even stingier budget? 10 negative points if you said the latter. Bypassing a no-brainer (and no-lung-er) cigarette tax, the Senate won and so now Kentucky will struggle with deep budget cuts in all the usual programs that fight poverty, illness, and ignorance.

-5
In a grubby side deal, oily David Williams and slimy Greg Stumbo lubed up and rolled around together before agreeing to rural construction projects at the expense of the state's deepest needs. Recognizing that, as bad as things are, they could always be worse, Governor Beshear threatened a special session if the Bush/McConnell war economy continues to tank.

0
Here's what passes for progressive politics in ol' Kaintuck: On April 1, a law went into effect mandating that cigarettes sold in Kentucky must be "fire safe," meaning they must contain a special paper that makes the cigarette go out if you don't toke like mad.

+7
Sure, Thunder's awesome, but if you're tired of curling into the fetal position and urinating on yourself when Mother America's death planes uncloak and soar into the waterfront terrordome, why not consider an alternative? The Silence Over Thunder Coalition is again sponsoring its "Peaceful Skies" picnic at the Americana Center soccer field on Saturday. The picnic features art, music, and kite flying, in an atmosphere free of weapons of mass destruction.

World-classness:
-8

Summary of My Discontent
OCD is the new green

What a Week, 4/2

-8
Q: Why is the Kentucky General Assembly like playing mumbelty peg with Helen Keller? A: Because it feels so good when it stops. The current session ends this week, with lawmakers taking a break until mid-April when they return for the ceremonial toe-stabbing of the governor. With the current session winding down, the havoc-wreaking reached a fever pitch last week. The pro-cancer Senate refused to raise the cigarette tax, meaning Kentucky faces deep cuts in education and social services, and might require layoffs of state workers. A final 2008-2010 budget is expected this week and barring any last-minute compassion from the Senate, it’s going to be ugly.
+5
Q: What do blind squirrels have in common with the General Assembly? A: Both prove that if you grope around in the dark long enough you’ll eventually find your nuts. The legislature momentarily located theirs and moved ahead with bills that would reform lending, require child booster seats, fight homelessness among former prisoners, and impose stricter penalties on sexual predators.
-6
Q: What do blind jokes and Senators David Williams and Dan Kelly have in common? A: Both are highly offensive and won’t go away. Williams and Kelly lead a Senate hell-bent on keeping Louisville from having anything shiny. The Senate steadfastly refused to raise any taxes, killed any hopes for casinos, and let a “mega-project” proposal die, making tolls an unlikely source of revenue for bridges, at least for the nonce. The party poopers also killed a measure that would have brought regulation to predatory “payday” lenders. With friends like them, this town’s going to need an enema.

What a Week, 3/26

+4
A House committee killed Senate Bill 112, which would have “protected” straight-on-straight marriage by prohibiting universities and public agencies from providing health insurance for employees’ domestic partners. In killing the bill, Representative David Watkins put the verbal smackdown on knuckle-dragging sponsor Vernie McGaha and Family Foundation Neanderthal David Edmunds for wasting the state’s time on nonsense instead of focusing on true problems facing Kentucky families.

-2
The commission tasked with modernizing Louisville’s library system said it will likely focus on three Wal-Marty jumbo libraries instead of smaller, groovy neighborhood libraries. The as-yet-unapproved plan calls for regional libraries in Okolona, Valley Station and Hurstbourne, and will cost the city $80 million it doesn’t have, plus $20 million in private donations it hasn’t raised.

+1
Kentucky politics and ethics (which go together like M&Ms and Spicy V8) took center stage last week when the Senate expanded House Bill 250 to make it a felony for a legislator to vote on an issue that relates to his or her employer. The provision, a thinly veiled jab by Republican David Williams at Democratic Rep. Harry Moberly (a muckety-muck at Eastern Kentucky University), set off an entertaining pissing contest between Moberly and Williams that lasted the rest of the week. The rule presumably won’t be much of an issue once everyone is unemployed.

-8
And speaking of unemployment, the economy keeps on kickin’ like it’s ’99… 1899, that is. Last week, Ford said it would lay off up to 10,000 employees - including 800 in Louisville - and banking giant Bear Stearns collapsed. Yum! CEO! David Novak!’s arse! was a bit more gilded: The company gave Novak a wee raise to $15.5 million in salary and stock.

World-classness
-5

Booksmart
Check out my brilliant sister's book reviews:

"Against the Machine: Being Human in the Age of the Electronic Mob" by Lee Seigel and "People of the Book" by Geraldine Brooks, here.

"The Good Soldier" by Ford Maddox Ford, here.

"Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You by Peter Cameron" and "Before I Die" by Jenny Downham, here.

Summary of My Discontent
The superdelegate: democracy’s Simon Cowell

What a Week, 3/19

+8
The House approved its version of the budget, restoring many of the cuts Governor Beshear proposed. The new-math House version restores funding to universities, gives state workers and teachers a raise, includes funding for road construction, and avoids the most painful cuts in social services. The plan includes a 25-cent cigarette tax and a 6% sales tax on some services, whereas the Guv wants a 70-cent cigarette tax and deeper cuts. The discrepancy set off a polite debate between Beshear and Representative Harry Moberly about which leader was most disingenuous jagoff.

-5
If higher cigarette taxes make it easier for you to breathe, don’t get your hopes up. At the urging of Polluter-in-Chief George W. Bush, the EPA rejected its own scientists and set a pro-business, 75-parts-per-billion standard for ozone, which is a perpetual throat-tickler in Louisville.

+2
Judge John Heyburn rejected Louisville attorney Ted Gordon’s challenge to the Jefferson County Public Schools’ interim desegregation plan. Gordon, diversity’s hemorrhoid, claimed the plan uses a racial quota system and is therefore unconstitutional. The interim school-assignment plan will use geography to assign students, but doesn’t take into consideration any individual student’s race. Heyburn told Gordon to find a plaintiff and file a lawsuit if he wants to challenge the new plan, whereupon Gordon dashed off in pursuit of a passing ambulance.

-3
In economic news, oil prices continued to soar, gas rose to nearly $3.50 per gallon, and your mom threw away all your old baseball cards. Also, your Civic is fixin’ to blow a head gasket. With gold at $1000, it might be time to hock that wedding ring.
World-classness:
+2

What a Week, 3/12

+ 5
Governor Steve Beshear finally looked in a mirror, discovered he's not Ernie Fletcher and started making some sense. The Guv came out in support of Kentucky education reform, a 70-cent cigarette tax, and voting rights for reformed felons. Momentarily reFletcherizing, he strongly hinted the that casino gambling is dead in the water. In other butt news, a new survey (at www.kyyouth.org) shows one in four pregnant women in Kentucky smoke. Possibly coming to the rescue is California Rep Henry Waxman, whose 20-year effort to bring cigs under FDA control is gaining momentum.

- 4
The Kentucky House passed a bill to give tax breaks for installing renewable energy systems in homes or businesses; Meanwhile, a desperately needed "stream saver" bill actually got a hearing, thanks to a wild parliamentary "camel ride." Rep Harry Moberly attached the surface-mining measure to a bogus bill giving "tax breaks to camels" (as opposed to Camel Lights), just to force a discussion. In the end, the coal creeps won as usual, but at least somebody's fighting for Kentucky waterways. Putting a damper on those good environmental efforts was this bummer: Kentucky's environmental agencies face 20% cuts in the proposed budget.

+ 2
Taking a cue from the downsizing experts at Ford, Kentucky is offering state workers retirement buyouts. 5400 state workers are eligible for enhanced benefits if they retire by January 1. The state would save $180 million by not replacing them or hiring cheaper help. Meanwhile, the House Budget Committee approved a bill that authorizes the use of tolls to finance "megaprojects," which is code for "bridges," put presumably could also finance a soul transplant for Representative Jim Gooch.

World-classness:
+ 3