LETTERS
Dear Oh, For God's Sake,
Regarding your article posted February 2: capitalism, democracy, blah, blah, blah. Do you mean to tell me you don't like Golden Earring? They rock in concert, man!
--L. T.
Dear L,
I've been drivin' all night, my hand's wet on the wheel. There's a voice in my head that drives my heel. It's my baby callin', says holy god what decade are you livin' in and isn't that the concert from like 1976 when you were shootin' Stroh's by cutting a hole in the bottom of the can, holding it to your mouth, and then opening up the top so the whole twelve ounces went down your gullet in one gulp and you peed in the Roberts Stadium parking lot right in front of a carload of girls who started laughing and clapping and honking their horn and flashing their headlights (or was that me?) but you'd already started your stream and there was no stoppin' it and then later you threw up all over your Chuck Taylors and then you slept through half the concert (or was that Foghat?) but anyway we had to carry you from the car to your bedroom and even though we were real quiet we still woke up your mom who was mad at first but then thanked us and told us to call tomorrow and we said We don't need no phone at all. We've got a thing that's called radar love. We've got a wave in the air, radar love. And so I guess what I'm saying is I still love you buddy but Golden Earring? Not so much.
Sincerely,
Oh, For God's Sake
***
Dear Crankyboy,
In your techno-rant of March 8, you mentioned that you have to navigate through seven menus to silence your cell phone. Either you're hyperbolizin' or you need to get yourself a new phone.
--R. R.
Dear R,
Me? Hyperbolize? Um, heh-heh. Ben showed me how to do it the easy way. *Blush* If you do it the obvious way -- following the menu commands -- it takes forever. But if you're hip to the secret key combination known apparently only to teenagers, members of Skull and Bones, and People Who Read Manuals, it's a little easier: three keys. But I still say smashing it with something heavy is the way to go. (By the way, Ben has made his college decision: he's going to the University of Kentucky this fall. And they are damn lucky to get him if they want any hope of learning how to use their cell phones. He's also wicked awesome with a DVD player. And he has a good soul.)
Sincerely,
Oh, For God's Sake
***
Dear OFGS:
You're probably one of those atheists who wants to remove "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance, am I right?
--Ronald Prescott, III
Dear Ronald,
When it comes to the Pledge of Allegiance, God is the least of my worries. I believe it was Kevin Nealon who sang in a whiney voice, "If you love somebody set them free." No -- wait -- Nealon was making fun of Sting, who ripped off a 70s poster, which stole the line from Hallmark, which probably made millions on it after paying a freelance hack $10 to come up with it. Whatever. My point is this: If we really want our children to love America, we should teach them not blind allegiance, but healthy skepticism. Only when they come to witness the beauty of free speech and democracy, and pick at the zits of prejudice and oppression will they really know and -- if they choose to -- love America. So what's up with making kids recite a vow of blind loyalty to a flag? Isn't that kind of Ayatollahish? So I say keep "under God" and get rid of the rest of the Pledge. Well, there's no need to get rid of it entirely. Let's just trot out the ol' editor's Uni-ball, here, and see if we can't patch 'er up. OK, first off, a "pledge" is probably not legally binding when kids say it. And "allegiance" is pretty strong. Reminds me of Darth Vader. How about instead of "Pledge of Allegiance," we go with, "Some Things I'm Feeling About My Country." Even better still, why not really engage the kids by using their vernacular? How about: "America Is Straight Up The Bomb, True That." OK, now, about that pledging and the flag and the republic, let's freshen that up a little bit. Can we all agree that America is cool? I think America is pretty cool. I think we can all agree it sure beats Rwanda. Let's go with, "I have an open mind about America; it sure beats Rwanda." OK, now for the rest of the way, I do applaud the Pledge for its optimism but let's face it: The thing is mostly a pack of lies. So let's rewrite with a little honesty. Instead of "one nation," let's go with "we are one nation (not counting the ghettos and the reservations and homosexuals and anybody wearing a turban and so forth)." OK, and we decided to stick with "under God." Then there's that stuff about liberty and justice for all. Well, we better fix that. Let's go with "with liberty and justice for some white men." But I think we would like to be optimistic about everybody else, so let's throw in, "But hoping for the best." OK, I think we've got it. But no, you're right: "under God" just doesn't feel right. I mean, my God sure as hell isn't the President's God. Or Billy Graham's God or Jesse Jackson's God or Black Elk's God or Ned Flanders' God or Madonna's (new) God or Madonna's (old) God or Ram Das' God or Stephen Hawking's God or Yusuf Islam's God or Spongebob Squarepants' God or Richard Gere's God. Maybe if we said "Gods." But that gets all messy. So yeah, let's ditch God. OK! Let's take 'er for a test drive:
America Is Straight Up The Bomb, True That
I have an open mind about America; it sure beats Rwanda.
We are one nation (not counting the ghettos and the reservations and homosexuals and anybody wearing a turban and so forth), with liberty and justice for some white men but hoping for the best.
I think that's pretty good. And feel free to say "under God" if you really must. I don't mind a bit.
Sincerely,
Oh, For God's Sake
***
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