Monday, May 03, 2004

I Think I'm Going to Warm Up this Slice of Pizza in the Microwave
I think I'm going to warm up this slice of pizza in the microwave. It's not really what I want, but it would be wasteful to just throw it away. What I'm really hungry for is some pad kee mow from Thai Smile but that would be really extravagant, what with this leftover pizza here in the fridge. I mean, what if I have to face my German ancestors in the afterlife? How would I explain getting carryout Thai food when I had a perfectly good slice of leftover pizza in the refrigerator?

You know what? It looks kind of gross, really. The "cheese" looks plastic. It looks like the sort of thing that will still be in my arteries a thousand years after I die, even if I decide to go with cremation. It will probably be OK once I microwave it, though. And maybe I can spice it up with some sliced jalapenos.

It's just sitting there on a plate, wrapped in Saran Wrap, waiting to be microwaved. I could be eating pizza in thirty seconds. Maybe even less.

I guess I should take off the Saran Wrap. They say you shouldn't microwave that shit. They say the microwave breaks down the film into little carcinogenic molecules that land you in the cancer ward. No pizza is worth that -- not even gourmet pizza, made in a brick oven. And this triangular glob of glue sure ain't gourmet. I'll just throw away that Saran Wrap and place a paper towel over the pizza.

That seems kind of wasteful, though. Why should some poor tree have to die just for me to waste a perfectly good paper-towel square on a piece of leftover pizza? On the other hand, I don't want to make a mess of exploded "cheese" and tomato sauce inside the microwave, which would result in the use of several paper towel squares and maybe even harsh cleansers.

(I don't even like cheese. It's not that I'm lactose intolerant or anything. I just feel better when I stay away from cheese. All dairy, in fact. Soy, now that's the way to go. That stuff's miracle food, if you ask me. Couldn't pay the kids to eat it, though. Which is why I have this leftover Papa John's crap in the fridge in the first place.)

I guess I'll go ahead and do it. I wonder how long it will take. 30 seconds should be plenty. But I'll keep an eye on it through the window to make sure it doesn't overcook. Otherwise, the crust gets all yucky. Let's see... 3- 0 - Start. Round and round it goes. You know, I don't like the sound of that humming. That humming practically screams "cancer." You know what? I'm going to stop it. Stop. Clear. Oops. Now I'm not sure how long it cooked. I shouldn't have been so hasty to press Clear. It doesn't look like it cooked much, though. I guess I'll just start over. How much harm could 30 seconds of humming do?

You know what's good sometimes? Cold pizza, right out of the fridge. But no, not now. The "cheese." It really looks like it's made from fossil fuel. Ah, screw this pizza. You know what sounds good? Soup. Some Vietnamese pho would be awesome right now. No longer than the pizza cooked, I could probably just stick it back in the fridge and it would be fine later.

But no. If I don't eat it now, I'll never eat it. I guess I could warm it up in the oven. But firing up the oven for just one slice of pizza? That would waste a lot of electricity. Plus, it would make the house warm, which would probably make the air conditioner kick on, which would destroy the earth's ozone layer, causing global warming and, ultimately, extinction.

Man, that pizza is looking really gross now. What IS that "cheese," anyway?

Ya know, come to think of it, Papa John's is one of those really fast-growing companies. I wonder if they're one of those corporate predators, putting local mom-and-pop restaurants out of business. There's probably a guy named Luigi -- a real craftsman -- out in Kansas somewhere inside the restaurant that's been in his family for three generations looking forlornly out the window at the new Papa John's franchise being framed across the street and going, "Merda! 'Formaggio!'"

And I sure hope they aren't trying to cram their junk pizza down the throats of the international community, like McDonald's and KFC. I hope they're not over in Asia, going, "Hey, put down that rice and fish and try some of this meat-lover's "cheese"-in-the-crust pizza and oh, if you like that, we've also got Britney Spears' navel and the one, true God!"

I wonder how Papa John's treats it workers. Do they have a 401k plan? I wonder if they get dental insurance. And accidental death and dismemberment insurance. I bet pizza workers would sleep better at night knowing they had AD&D. We office workers get AD&D and what are the odds we'll get dismembered? The only dismemberment I'll probably ever experience will be self-inflicted, during a meeting. Meanwhile, pizza workers? Hot ovens. Those dented-up home-delivery cars. I'll bet those circular pizza knives are really sharp. Dismemberment city.

And Papa John's probably exploits the vegetable workers. Those poor vegetable pickers. Picking vegetables all day long in the hot sun for meager wages, just so I, body completely intact, can blithely cement the eventual demise of the planet by warming up a slice of pizza. You'd think if Papa John could build a giant football stadium for U of L and a personal Italian-style villa to live in, he could come up with an AD&D plan for those poor workers. But maybe they DO have AD&D. And it's certainly not going to help anybody if I just toss this pizza in the garbage.

I think I'm going to warm up this slice of pizza in the microwave.