Monday, November 15, 2004

It's Too Bad I'm Not As Moral As Tim In HR
It's too bad I'm not as moral as Tim Carson, this guy in HR. He's so moral. He always knows just what Jesus would do and he's not afraid to tell you. I think there must be something wrong with me because I can't always tell. But Tim, he always knows.

Here's my big problem: When I think of something like war or abortion or homelessness or oppression or stem cells, I tend to see too many facets of the issue instead of seeing how simple it really is. I guess that's because I'm just not very moral. But not Tim: he's as moral as all get-out, so he always knows just what's right.

I'll give you an example. Tim knows just how many people it's OK to kill in order to make the U. S. safe: "As many as it takes."

I admire that kind of moral confidence so much. If somebody had asked me, I probably would have said something immoral like, "wasn't Jesus against killing?" Or, "if we act just like our enemies, don't we become our enemies?" But again, that's just because I'm so immoral. It's probably because I don't go to church. If I went to church, maybe I'd understand how good killing is.

Here's another example of a time Tim really impressed me with his superior morals: during last year's Super Bowl. I watched the halftime show with my family and suddenly, for about half a second, it looked like one of Janet Jackson's boobs fell out of her clothes. We all looked at each other and said, "Whoa, what just happened there?" But by the next morning, we'd pretty much forgotten all about it. But not Tim. Because of his superior morals, he knew exactly what to do: talk about Janet Jackson's boob for months on end. And he must have been right because that's what all the churchgoing people and the news networks and the Internet community and the radio stations did. I remember it so clearly because he called me over to his computer, where he'd gone to the trouble of downloading and magnifying a photo of Janet Jackson with her boob out. He showed it to me, along with a lot of other photos on his computer, also of women with their boobs out. Which just goes to show you, Tim really knows what he's talking about. He's willing to do the research in his unwavering quest for morality.

When the Commonwealth of Kentucky proposed an amendment to its constitution banning gay marriage, Tim once again showed his amazing moral character. The amendment didn't seem right to me because I couldn't see how gay people marrying could hurt marriage. But Tim said he didn't think gay people should get married and he should know because he's been married four times. And he said he doesn't know any homosexuals anyway, which surprised me because I didn't realize he hadn't met Daniel in Finance. Or Lois on the graphics team. Or Marty in HR. Or Debra in Marketing. Or Trisha or David or Cal. I guess I just don't understand what it's like to be as moral as Tim. His devotion to monogamy is probably so strong because it's been tested so many times on those business trips he takes, where he often has to visit strip clubs. When you get tested like that all the time, how could you not become highly moral?

Hey, wait a minute! Now that I think of it, Tim does know Debra. Trisha too. And Lois. Because they all complained that he'd made inappropriate sexual advances. He's so moral that he's probably trying to save them from their own homosexuality. That must be it. That Tim, he's really something.

Corporate crime is another issue that seems immoral to me. It really bothers me when insurance companies and energy companies and other large corporations prey on their own employees and investors and consumers. But Tim explained it to me. He said it was like the time he wanted to scan his collection of old photos but didn't see why he should have to pay for it. So he bought a scanner at Office Depot, scanned all the photos, and then returned the scanner for a refund. In no time, he had his own Internet pornography business going. Like Tim said, it was a victimless crime. Like when he cheats on his taxes.

Here's another example of how confused I am when it comes to morality: I thought when President Bush and Vice President Cheney repeatedly linked Saddam Hussein with Osama bin Laden, that was lying. And when they said we were going to Iraq because there were weapons of mass destruction there, that was lying. But it wasn't. It was promoting freedom. Just ask Tim. And he should know all about lying -- he's a Promise Keeper!

I really thought I had Tim when it came to Social Security. I read that if we applied President Bush's tax cuts to Social Security, it would guarantee the program's solvency for at least 75 years! But instead of helping our struggling seniors, the president wants to give the money to the wealthiest Americans. How could that be the morally superior choice? But once again I had the inferior moral values. Tim said his pastor explained that it's more moral to privatize Social Security and let people invest their retirement money for faster wealth. So when Tim got his $300 tax check, he invested it in the exacta in the third race at Churchill Downs, which came this close to making him a cool $1200. He ended up with no money, but he learned something. Next time, he's going to invest his $300 in an X-Box and a little weed.

He then asked me to pray with him, but I had to go to a meeting.

Being a good churchgoing man, Tim is fervently pro-life. That's why he feels so strongly about Governor Fletcher's decision to sign the death warrant for convicted murderer Thomas Clyde Bowling, even though Bowling is mentally retarded and might be innocent. Because of his strong pro-life stance, Tim is delighted that Kentucky is going to "fry the motherfucker."

I would have guessed Jesus would say that Thomas Clyde Bowling should not be fried, that gay people should be allowed to marry, that the Iraq war is wrong, that we should help out our elders, that corporate crime should stop and that Janet's Jackson's boob is not one of America's biggest problems. I guess I'll never be as moral as Tim.

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