Kentucky in Contention for Most-Redneck-State Status
OFGS News Service
Frankfort, Ky -- Kentucky is one of three finalists for the highly coveted prize of Most Redneck State, Governor Ernie Fletcher announced here today. The two other finalists are Georgia and Indiana.
Buoyed by their strong showing in last week's elections, Kentucky rednecks are excited about their state's chances to win the nation's top redneck prize. "Seeing Kentucky go red so early was one of the happiest moments of my life," Fletcher said, referring to the national TV news networks' famous red-and-blue U.S. electoral maps. "Why, most of those northern states hadn't even finished their breakfast granola before Kentucky was firmly in the red category." Many experts believe Kentucky would have gone red even sooner if not for color-confusion among some University of Kentucky basketball fans.
Kentucky, once a bastion of Democratic -- albeit conservative -- politics, is now among the nation's most Republican states. This year, the voters in Kentucky rode a wave of Christian extremism, racism, and homophobia to sweep all the redneck-friendly options on the November 2 ballot.
In perhaps an even more dramatic claim to its redneck resurgence, Kentucky candidates were able to get elected despite numerous bigoted and inflammatory public statements. Republican Senator Jim Bunning, who has been rehearsing for an upcoming role as a mental patient, appealed to redneck voters by comparing opponent Daniel Mongiardo to "one of Saddam's sons," in an openly racist attempt to recast the Italian-American as a Baathist. It worked. Meanwhile, Republican State Senator David Williams, speaking on behalf of Bunning, called Mongiardo "limp-wristed," spurring his clearly curious redneck base into uncontrollable fits of giggling. The state also officially wrote discrimination into its Constitution by passing a gay-marriage ban by an overwhelming 75% majority.
Kentucky's other U.S. Senator, Republican Mitch McConnell, said Kentucky's preeminence as a leader in redneckery speaks for itself. "This president reached out to white, Christian trash and Kentucky responded. I mean, don't get me wrong -- plenty of other states have rednecks. But our brand is purer. We love guns, we love Jesus, we love pickup trucks and we hate people who are different from us." Senator Williams added, "...especially fags! You're not a fag, are ya?"
When asked to comment on the redneck revolution, Kentucky Republican State Senator Elizabeth Tori declined, saying she is "not a man and therefore not qualified to speak."
But Kentucky's bid for Most Redneck State isn't a lock. At least not if Georgia Republican Senator and wild-eyed Muslim-hater Zell Miller has anything to say about it. "Are you kiddin' me? Kentucky? She-it. Georgia has always been and will always be the most redneck state. Quick! Little word association: What do you think when I say 'Georgia?' Betcha said 'cracker,' didn't ya? Nuff said."
Kentucky's McConnell dismissed Miller's claim. "Georgia. Psht. HelLO? Elton John? Ted Turner? Michael Stipe? Jimmy Carter? Read it and weep... and if you can't read, move to Kentucky!"
Indiana, considered by many to be the sleeper in the contest, could emerge victorious if allowed to count its highly inbred citizens who are too mentally retarded to behave in an openly redneck fashion. "If you combine our rural inbred retards with our urban, rich rednecks, that's a pretty formidable one-two punch," said pistol-packin' U.S. Representative John Hostettler. "And Indiana is second to none when it comes to hating queers. Sheep we'll screw, but only sheep of the opposite sex." Hostettler, who was detained and cited in April for carrying a Glock 9 mm semiautomatic handgun through an airport security checkpoint, fired off a few quick rounds to emphasize his point, killing two passersby. "Damn!" he shouted. "Those two would've counted!"
The nation's Most Redneck State will be announced by President Bush in a Rose Garden ceremony to be simulcast on Fox News and AM radio soon after January's coronation. Texas, which has won the award each of the past 50 years, is permanently retired from contention in order to give another state a chance.
In a related development, the national group White Angry Racists (WAR) has changed its name to reflect the new evangelism sweeping the country. The new name is the National Association of Scary, Christian Angry Rednecks (NASCAR).