Monday, November 01, 2004

Kerry! Kerry! Pow! Pow! Pow!
Being an anti-troops, anti-fetus, anti-marriage, freedom hater, I have high hopes for our next president, John Kerry. And on the eve of the election, I am confident he will win. But even if Bush wins (or loses again but, well, you know), I have a lot to be happy about. I am happy that America got past its ugly time of forbidding dissent. I am happy that I can say right out loud that Bush is a big poopy-head and that I can say it without being branded a terrorist. And I am happy that millions of Americans agree on these points and that we were free to speak out against him and vote against him and make it clear to the rest of the world that we do not all endorse his foolish actions. God bless America, I say (while still harboring naughty fantasies about Canada, especially if this heinous tilt toward religious right-wing bigotry continues).

And despite the shit they've been given, I even understand why there are still undecided voters. It's not that they're having trouble deciding what each man stands for, it's that they're having trouble deciding which one is the bigger liar. To be a politician in America is to be a liar. And the closer it gets to an election, the more their pants combust.

Even worse, American politics requires both candidates to support the war, even though everybody but Halliburton and the most morbidly Christian know it was wrong. I saw a bumper sticker on I-64 the other day that said, "Kill them all and let Allah sort them out." It broke my heart. How can we have come to this place? C'mon, leaders! Lead!

But it's not just the war. Our leaders lie to us about all sorts of issues. Like: The war on terra is winnable. We all know it's not. No matter what we do, some lunatic with a pocket knife or some agriculture chemicals and a U-Haul can make us all cower in fear. It was true before 9/11 and it's true today. But neither Kerry nor Bush will say so (at least not on purpose).

Here's another big lie: Terrorism is the biggest problem facing the world. Truth is, it's not even in the top ten. (Or at least it wasn't before the Christian Cowboy started wreaking havoc.) Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying terrorism isn't a problem. I'm just saying that it's not among our most serious problems, despite our obsession with it during this camp-pain. We are destroying our planet at an alarming pace (one acre per SECOND of forest land disappears worldwide). We are ruining our drinking water and making our air impossible to breathe. We are giving ourselves cancer. 20,000 people die every day from starvation. Here's one nobody (except Howard Dean) ever talks about: more Americans die every year from auto accidents than died in the entire Vietnam War. Many of those fatalities are preventable if we'd only impose tougher restrictions on automakers and trucking companies and American highways. Ask yourself this: Do you know more people who've died from cancer and automobile accidents or from terrorism? And what could the $150 billion spent in Iraq and the nearly $4 billion spent on the election have done to reduce those deaths? Another way to ask that question is this: Are we being smart about fighting terror or are we being vengeful? America: We can't be both. But you won't hear shit about that from either candidate. So, Undecided Voter, I salute you. Oh, and good fuckin' luck inside that booth (vote Kerry!).

OK, since the rest of us have our minds made up, here's some other stuff to think about:

Johnny Is My Homeboy
I hate to say I told you so, but I must direct your attention to the April 19, 2004, Oh, For God's Sake, paragraph seven, in which I said of the Boston Red Sox, and I quote, "this is going to be the year." Like all long-time Sox fans, I am superstitious. But unlike most Sox fans, I have never believed in The Curse, which, like God, is only real if you believe in it. Oh, and next year? The Cubs. Write it down.

Dude, We Are Like So Totally Winning THIS War
You have been told some pretty impressive lies this year by your government, but this one might just take the ... um, hash brownie. The October 10th Courier-Journal, under the headline "Official Says US Winning War on Drugs," quoted US Assistant Undersecretary of State Robert Charles saying that the "tipping point" in the war on drugs has been reached. Citing recent success in apprehending 28 tons of cocaine from fishing boats and fumigating coca crops in Colombia, Charles predicted that authorities would "break the backs" of the drug cartels within two years. Charles, who was later determined to be ON drugs, also predicted that his tongue would become fuzzy and that a pepperoni-lover's stuffed crust pizza would be totally fuckin' awesome right about now.

Newsflash: Your Boss is Nuts
Here's a shocker: According to the October Harvard Business Review, psychopaths are likely to excel as business managers. (And no I'm not psychopathic enough to read the Harvard Business Review, OK? The Courier-Journal published this item in handy blurb form.) The Harvard journal quoted University of British Columbia psychologist Robert Hare, who said, "Many of the psychopaths' defining characteristics -- their polish, charm, cool decisiveness and fondness for the fast lane -- are easily, and often, mistaken for leadership qualities." Much like a hick to NASCAR, psychopaths are attracted to the fast-paced, volatile, hyper-competitive workplace of the modern American fucked-up, claw-and-gouge-your-way-to-the-top business scene, where they are rewarded for their psychopathic characteristics and quickly promoted. Gosh, nobody saw that coming except the millions of Americans who work in corporations and suffer the outrageous behavior of manager/psychopaths every day, while courageously slogging on, shuffling corporate America's paper, selling corporate America's dreck, and half-assedly dotting America's Ts and crossing America's I's and aggressively not reading Harvard Business Review, which fortunately stopped quoting Hare before he announced the goddam sun would set in the fucking west.

Brains Kicks Brawn's Ass
I wasn't kidding earlier about hating to say I told you so but a recent news story has proved me right on two counts: that Bush is the wrong man to lead the war on terra, and that nerds can help. In an AP story widely covered in the mainstream press, various experts concluded that fighting terrorism takes brains (which proves Bush is the wrong guy). But the story, "Mathematicians Offer Help in the War on Terra," goes on to report that nerds are offering to come to our rescue. Regular readers will note that I long ago advocated enlisting nerds in the war on terra. I know there are a lot of Americans who think we can just beat the shit out of the terrorists because it's worked so well for us in past wars. But this is a different war and I say we go with the nerds this time around. Which in many ways is what this election boils down to: brains vs. brawn. So, undecided voter, are you still listening? If you believe brains is the better way to fight terra, vote for John Kerry. On the other hand, if you believe brawn is the better way to fight terra, vote for John Kerry. Because, you know, he's the one who actually fought in a war. Plus, as everybody knows by now, he's a gun totin' ass-kickin', lean, mean, liberal, goose-and-terrorist-killin' machine! Woo-hoo! Pow! Pow! Pow!

Now, get out there tomorrow, vote for Kerry, and then get busy enjoying the living hell out of this election being OVER!

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