Thursday, April 05, 2007

Spring Break
OK, y'all, I'm turning off the 'puter to go party like a Christian Academy junior with her 6th Mai Tai in one hand and a laminated virginity pledge in the other. Woo-hoo! Spring Break! Let's meet back here around April 16. OK? Ready… break! Oh. Wait, here's some shit to do if you get lonely: Watch the Born Again Floozies play Sly and the Family Stone's "If you want me to stay." What else, let's see…read some reviews of the world's worst movies. I know: Read the most boring sounding article in the New Yorker. Twice. Out loud. To a small child or dog. In your choice of two of the following accents: Italian, baby talk, pig Latin, Henry Kissinger. End each sentence in Flava Flav's "boyeee." Take up a new religion, then lose it. Learn why bats are endangered and why you should care. Listen to some music. If you think the iPod's clickwheel is fun, check out the navigation on this baby. Learn about the Battle of Verdun. Imagine 300,000 men dying in one battle. Wonder if it was worth it. Wonder what it smelled like. Wonder if "tyranny" is a word either side could look you in the eye today and speak out loud. Wonder how a different perspective would make you feel. What if you were a young soldier's mother? What if you were the Kaiser's favorite farrier? What if you were an officer's pregnant mistress, a homely woman with a goiter on your back whom nobody had ever loved except that soldier, now dead, being mourned by his wife, a goiter-free, perky woman who would soon take another lover while you struggled to give birth to your baby in a burned out village? Meditate. Here's a mantra: On inhale, "May all people seek knowledge." On exhale: "And tread lightly upon the earth." Too lofty for you? How about: On inhale, "May all people watch 'Now with David Branaccio.'" On exhale, "And buy their produce locally." Still too lofty? OK, on inhale, "May all people watch The Daily Show." On exhale, "and wash their hands before eating." STILL too lofty? You people. Fine. On inhale, "May all people watch Good Morning America." On exhale, "And try not to poop in their cereal bowls." Ya happy? Have a debate with yourself, out loud. Ten minutes each side for the opening arguments, five minutes each side for the rebuttals. Here's a topic: Was Robert Pirsig accurate when he wrote this in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance?: "When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion, it is called Religion." Vote on whether I should totally let myself go. (Results when I get back.) Sometimes opportunity knocks. Although it might seem like a long shot, it's probably worth double checking: That Sunday on the way to church, did she say "Are you up for some Mass?" or "Are you up for some ass?" Go see the new baby elephant at the zoo. Aw. Go outside. Dare to eat a peach. Wear white flannel trousers and walk upon the beach. Rank these fears in the order in which they terrify you: A) Your thinning hair, B) al-Qaeda, C) everyone will find out about the affair, D) the Watterson at rush hour, E) your recurring sex dream involving your high school geometry teacher and Barry Bernson, F) your government, G) the likelihood that the man whose hand you just shook was suffering from a communicable disease, H) people from the other side of the tracks, I) China, J) the afterlife. Ponder this: If you were a Taco Bell rat with a discerning palate, which Nachos Bell Grande item would you be most likely to reject? Rewrite all the advice in "Annie's Mailbox," assuming that the world will end in 3 weeks. Make your own ice cream while getting a workout, then blow it all by eating the ice cream. Eat the seaweed salad at Sapporo, go to the Speed Museum and admire Awakened Man, get out anything – anything – camouflage you own and burn it. It is high time you revisited Sissy Hankshaw's thumbs. Rent Entourage Season 3, say something nice to that asshole co-worker, park a block away from home each night, start a MySpace, google "Abiogenesis," guess whether God or Satan killed more people in the Old Testament then check the bar chart, score the new Son Volt, make sure you understand the difference between immaculate conception and virgin birth, get down, make love, eat a miniature Krackel, flash the mailman, sow, reap, break a commandment, volunteer at Kentucky Harvest, patiently listen to the tedious meandering conversation of a 3-year old, and hug the fucking sap out of a tree.


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