Thursday, March 01, 2007

What is wrong with our meterologists?
Are they fucking retarded? Anybody who is wrong that often should humbly resign and take up an occupation where accuracy is less critical, like sports news or military intelligence. This year, we've had about a half dozen "winter strorm warnings," all but one 100% wrong. And the one we got was supposed to dump four inches of snow on us but barely managed one. Several times, the city's road crews have been tricked into spraying that brine shit on all the roads, only to watch it wash away in a warm rain. Once, the Jefferson County Public Schools closed early, only to send all the kids home in a drizzle, where they had to endure their incredulous parents cussing out the TV because we didn't even get enough winter weather to work up a good appetite for whiskey.

I like snow. I LOVE snow. So it doubly pisses me off when they come on TV the next day, wipe their retarded brows and go, "We got lucky with this storm. We really dodged a bullet." No. We didn't dodge a bullet. We got fucked out of the snow storm you promised! How can you say we dodged a bullet when it's YOUR BULLET we dodged? You don't say "We dodged a bullet." Here's what you say: "I fucked up. I suck. I couldn't forecast the weather with a fucking time machine and God's crackberry login." That's what you say. You don't say, " Indianapolis got OUR snow." You say, "I fucked up. I suck. I told you we were going to get snow, but that's just because I couldn't find Indianapolis on a map because the map wasn't up my ass, where my head is!"

And fuck Indianapolis. They won the Super Bowl. Do they need our fucking snow, too?

OK, totally sucking at your job is forgivable. Everybody in America does it. It's what makes us special. But the weather marketing weenies actually use their shitty track record to SELL THEIR PRODUCT. By scaring the shit out of you. They're all "Tracking Storms. Getting Results" and "First Alert Storm Team" and "You're-Gonna-Die-Tonight AccuDopplrrr." And when there's a hint of a wisp of a cloud in the sky they come on with their danger music and their frantic, pit-stained, balding nerdboys -- because nothing signals the End Times like a balding nerdboy with pit stains – who scream at you for hours on end in ugly neckties in front of throbbing, purple maps, about how the world is going to get buried in a foot of snow or maybe just a dusting but you'd better stay here and watch these commercials for Chicken McSnacker Gorditas because if you look away you might die.

The funny thing is, it's not just our local meteorologists who've sucked worse than Eddie Murphy in non-Dreamgirls roles. The National Weather Service? They suck. Weather Dot Com? Sucks. The Weather Channel? AP? Yahoo? Suck, suck, suck. Because they're all reading the same fucked up computer data. Last weekend, they all said it was going to be pushing 60 every day this week. Did we ever even crack 50? Yesterday afternoon, it was supposed to be 60 and it was 47. What the fuck? Maybe it's global climate change. The computer models are based on a world that wasn't fucked up by Hummers and cell phone battery chargers and Dolby SurroundSound MP3 toasters. Hey, nerdboys: here's a fun science project: Why don't you figure out how many tons of carbon we paranoid Americans dump into the atmosphere watching your inaccurate forecasts, only to make your future forecasts even less accurate?

And why are they always fucked up in the un-fun direction? They never predict a dusting of snow when we actually get a foot. And it's never 70 degrees when they predict 55. It's always a disappointment, just like the stupid, sheepish looks on their stupid, sheepish faces when the come back on the next day with their stupid, sheepish excuses, followed by their outrageous ads proclaiming their superior accuracy.

You know what, weather nerds? Fuck you. I'm going to watch the sky and sniff the air and maybe look up the asshole of a wooly worm for my forecasts from now on. It'll be just as accurate, minus the marketing hype and the pit stains.